youve broken me....

so i feel like i should be writing some really in-detail, intellectual and witty blog entry right now, but in a way, i feel like all creativeness and depth has gone out the window, atleast since you left. you see, when i was with you, my mind had all these crazy thoughts, all these fantasies and dreams, dreams that we shared together. everytime i caught your eye and you'd give me that dazzling smile my heart would skip a beat. i would go light headed and completely zone out, lost in you, lost in us. i think thats the thing, i was so lost in you and lost in us. my life was us. my dreams became reality, and reality became my dreams. there were no boundaries on our love, nothing i felt that we couldnt achieve together. when youd take my hand in yours, id give you a little squeeze and youd squeeze my hand back, reminding me that i was your girl. when we'd go out on a night out, or wherever we were, youd constantly be touching me in one way or another, or have your arms around me, reminding not only me but everyone around us, that you were mine, and mine alone. you made me feel like the most important girl in the world. and now? you make me feel like the most horrific and fucked up person in the world. thats what youve done to me, made me feel like shit about myself, like im not good enough, like im completely fucked up. if i wasnt good enough for you, the one person who i thought i could always rely on, then who the fuck am i ever going to be good enough for? im scared to allow people too close, incase i hurt them, i feel like a horrible person, i feel like nothing. thats what it all comes down to, youve made me feel like im nothing. like im completely fucked up and damaged. but im not, im talented and strong and attractive. and yet through everything youve said since you left, youve completely fucked me up and how i feel about myself. i hate myself. and not always because of what you said, but because you made me feel like the most incredible person in the world, to making me feel like nothing. and my heart cant deal with it, i feel so rejected. i think thats another thing this all comes down to, i let you into my past, my present and my future, and you completely rejected me. i hate myself helen. i feel all the hate you feel for me, i feel all the regret you feel for me. you forget, im so in synch with you, that i feel your emotions, i wake up when youre going to have a night terrror, even though im not there. youve got me to a point, where i hate myself that much, because youve damaged me. you really have, and i have never wanted to say that, ive never wanted to blame you for any of all this. and i dont. but i do blame you for how broken and damaged and like nothing i feel. i feel worthless. and yet you know all this, and you know how to fix it. you know how different i am when im around you, im bubbly and happy and safe. im me again, and momentarily, i feel ontop of the world again, like the only girl in the world. and then it all comes crashing down. i miss the butterflies i used to get, i miss feeling so loved, i miss feeling so wanted, i miss being your little housewife, i miss being in our flat with our family, never leaving each other sides, i miss you coming home from work and being so excited to see you, i miss sitting naked on the sofa playing xbox and cuddling up. i miss falling asleep in your arms every night, i miss waking up and seeing you smiling at me. i miss our adventures. i miss the fun. i miss feeling like my whole life was safe and sorted, i miss looking forward to the future, i miss wanting a family so badly, i miss feeling like i was everything to somebody, i miss being engaged to you, i miss everything. i miss making you smile, i miss seeing you smile, i miss laughing together, i miss sitting in the middle of the beach together, i miss following the wind, just because we could. i miss my life, i miss you, i miss us. you're my soulmate, and without my missing piece, im completely lost. sure, everyone see's me as 'frankie the player' and i guess thats what ive become, because its all i know how to do. i cant fall in love again, because im inlove with you, but when you arent there to make me feel like the only girl that matters, i guess those other girls do. they make me feel wanted, because at that moment, they want me, and they'll do anything they can to have me. and yet after, i look at them and i think what a waste of my time. its everything i miss, i miss the arguements, i miss fighting with you, because when we did fight, it was only because we cared. you've broken me, and youre the only person who can fix me, but you already know that. 'now im lying on the cold hard ground', we both came crashing down onto it, but you got up and walked away, said goodbye and left me in a heap on that ground. you left me with nothing but ghosts of what was, with the ghost of you. youre up and skipping happily through fields, whilst im still scrunched up on the ground, slowly running out of fight in me to get up, left me feeling like nothing. i feel like im nothing helen, i feel like im useless and unloveable and completely and utterly fucked up.