so im sat here wondering to myself, how could things have been different? and the more i think about it, the more it hurts, and the more i come to realise that maybe it was a series of events beyond our control that ultimately lead to the breaking down of our relationship. first of all, we got kicked out of mums, life was amazing in our little flat, genuinely amazing, but then you lost your job at bonkers, and finances became tough. we struggled on, and you got a new job, life became easier within that time, we were back to us again. then you lost your job, through no fault of your own, and life got really tough. it put a lot of stress on our relationship, on us, we both knew we were stuck, but instead of communicating, we took to different coping mechanisms and took it out on each other. it wasnt that we wanted to, its just that we didnt know what to do. we then lost the flat as we couldnt financially afford it. we got dora, went down to cornwall, but by this point i was pretty broken and in a bad place. we then lost tucker, and had to give up ali. we came back up, and things were just, i dunno, different. its like we'd spent so long trying to keep our heads above water, that we'd lost each other, we'd lost ourselves. and yet we both wanted to make it work so badly, we just didnt know how to. and when i look back, i dont blame us at all, we're a strong couple, and there isnt a lot we cant overcome, we just ended up drowning in problems caused by others. i mean i dunno, i often sit and wonder what it would be like if we were to try again, but this time we'd have the experience, we'd know each other inside out and we'd know what mistakes not to make again. just head to wherever we want to be, make a fresh start, get back on track. i said to you tonight "things may have been different" and you said "they would have been". its so true, because of other people fucking up, our relationship got fucked up. that hurts, a lot, to realise that if things hadnt of happened that did, we'd still be together, with our family of dogs, planning our wedding, our kids, our house, getting on with life. instead of feeling utterly lost. i dunno, i mean maybe its just wishful thinking on my behalf, and yet i cant let go of the fact that id do anything to be back to us, back to normal and coming home to where i feel so safe. i genuinely thought we'd be together forever, i was all set up for it, whenever i looked at you, i knew this was it, i was with you for good now, and i finally felt at home. and yet here we are, separated, confused and feeling lost. i wish youd just come home. the hardest part, is i knew how hard you leaving hit me, it completely destroyed me and my world came shattering down, but i never stopped to think how it impacted others. and yet tonight i sat and held my foster sister as she cried over you, over how much she missed you and wanted you to come home. and when she said that things would be different, that we'd all be a big family still, if social hadnt of got involved, it really hit something deep within. it made me realise just how lost i feel without you, just how much i love you, but also just quite how loved you are by everyone here. to them, and to me, your still part of the family, you still belong here, and i guess in a sense theyre all sat waiting like i am, holding on to that little bit of hope that you'll still come home. i want my life back, i want you back, i want our life together back, i want us, but stronger. the past 4 months have been hell, i dont belong anymore really, i wish you'd see how loved and missed you are. i often wonder if you miss and love us as much as we do you. and i also wonder if you ever think of coming home? i miss you baby. i love you.

ciao x