thoughts for tonight? well today i have applied for 7 different jobs, ive looked at flats, and im phoning up for viewings tomorrow. ive also done something crazy. ive applied for a 4 month ski job in the alps! im not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, i mean im so so excited, and it seems like an amazing idea, but also, 4 months, with people i dont know? then again, my friend did it and he had an incredible time.

gemm just sent me this, its her dads place, my idea of heaven or what?! http://hhfrance.com/Western_Loire/4412_Hunters_Retreat/4412_hunters_retreat.html
i want to go here!!

lifes looking up. Ofcourse, you still wonder through my thoughts and i think of us more than i should, i wonder how your day has been, what youve been up to, hows life in general. but i guess you dont want to talk to me about that stuff. i find it funny really, you know whats going on in every moment of my life, because its all written down on here. you know what im thinking, how im feeling, what im doing. its like im gone, but not gone? you havent got to talk to me to find anything out, because its always written down here. but how about the other way around? i mean whilst youre getting an in-depth description, i get nothing, no clue, no idea. i guess thats the way its always been though, id pour my emotions out, whereas you box yourself in. this evening though, gemm has picked me up a bit, shes sat and listened to all my rambling, all my moaning and all my upset, and taken it all in her stride. instead of getting angry or confused, shes talked me through all of it and even managed to make me laugh. we sat and played 20q and nattered about anything and everything. gemm ' yeah hes mega quirky ( i think thats a nice way of saying someones ugly tbh)". cracked me up. all in all, lifes been good this evening. keep the banter rolling and the sexual innuendos coming is all i can say. but see heres the thing, i wonder if you'll care if i moved on? would it bother you? would it hurt you as much as it hurt me, to see me with someone else? and genuinely want to be with them? to know i was finally gone? i guess these are questions that i'll never know the answer to, even though id like to. would you then fight for me? or would you just watch me walk away? the hardest bit, is knowing how much it would destroy me inside to move on. i dont think i would move on thats the thing, i could be with her, love her so so much, but id still be inlove with you, sat waiting for you, and odds are, fuck her over for you. or would i?

anyways, whilst im on my little high that im having right now, im gonna keep this short and sweet and not dwell on the bad crap. i wish to keep my sanity thankyou very much. bring on another night of dreaming of you, joy of joys. lets hope its not you dying this time eh?