todays been...strange. im sat thinking everything over, life, events, how everything comes to be. and as i sit and wonder, i wonder how it would feel to wake up tomorrow and not remember anything. to wake up and have no recollection of my life. or to wake up and it be 15 years down the line. how would i feel? how would my life be different? would there be things i would do over?  ive been sat watching 13 going on 30, and it got me thinking, how would it feel to be in that situation. say i woke up tomorrow and i had a big photography career, seeing the world and be famous. would i really be happy? could i really accept what my life was? so it got me thinking, what do i really want in life? i thought i wanted this big photography career, the money, the fame, but i guess when it comes down to it, thats not what i really want. i want my life back to how it was this time last year, just moving into the flat. be able to re-do it all over again and not make the same mistakes i did last time. this brings me onto my next point. what if i woke up and couldnt remember anything, couldnt remember you, who i was, what had happened in my life. would i be different? would i be who i am today? or like the film the vow, would i feel completely lost? id have this collection of photographs, of videos, my life in writing, and id know that id captured all these moments at some point, but it would be like reading someone else's life, and would i regret it? its hard to imagine, not remembering meeting you, not remembering anyone, not remembering how i felt towards you, how i felt about anything. id learn who you were, id learn what we did together, but would you be there to tell me? to try and make me remember? its a scary thought isnt it, to not be able to remember the past, or to wake up in the future and it be nothing like you dreamed of.

and so it got me thinking, as much as the memories hurt, i wouldnt change them, because they made me who i am. however, if someone gave me the chance to go back in time, and re-do my mistakes, to fight for you when i had the chance, would i? ofcourse i would. id follow the same path, but id know not to let you go, to not stop fighting for you. and so it made me come to realise, life is short. ive always known this but ive never completely thought about it in a deep sense. but as i do, i come to realise just how true it is. one day, we're going to be old and grey, and i come to wonder, if i was sat opposite another, could i really look at them and feel completely contented? would i ever fall inlove again like i did? would i want to? it also made me think, how important it is to fight for what you believe in in life. im a bohemian at heart, believing in freedom, truth, beauty and above all, love. there are times when i wonder how different things would have been had i of not met you, id probably be off to uni in september and on a completely different path in life, but i doubt id be happy. but when you came into my life, you turned it upside down. and so now as i sit here, i come to realise just how much i have to fight for you. im not a patient person, i hate waiting, because waiting is waiting for the unknown, its hoping on something that might not ever turn up, but i guess thats the risk you take. 'love is a gamble'. and so when i look at life in the grand scheme and i come to realise what i truly want in my heart, i realise i have to wait for it, to work hard for it and to prove that i deserve what i want. nothing is free in life, everything comes at a cost. and me realising just quite how set i was on being with you for forever, for me to realise that i had completely given you my heart, it came at the cost of me losing you. i could be playing a mugs game here, waiting for nothing, and thats terrifying, i guess thats why i push for answers so often, because i dont like the fear or the tension of waiting, because its taking a risk. for the first time in my life, something is beyond my control, something which truly matters to me. thats scary. being a dominant, im very controlling, control makes me feel safe, and im so used to being in control of everything in my life. so suddenly, when i have to hand over the reigns to someone else, and bank on them to decide my future, thats terrifying. because ultimately, thats what im doing, im allowing you to decide my future.