and next up we have number 69...

so i guess this might end up being one of my lasts posts that are specifically aimed at you or even about you. ive tried contacting you, talking to you to try and make sure you are ok, ive even poured my heart out to you, and i have heard nothing. i think i understand now, i was never going to be good enough. i dont play any musical instruments very well, im not busty, im not in a full time job, im not anything special and i anger you more than anything. i guess in comparison to her, i am nothing. i wish i could be something, be your everything again, but really, what have i got on her? im a free spirited, fiery tempered kinda girl that plans to be a photographer, notta lot going there is there compared to her. the funny thing is, id give it all up, be whoever you wanted me to be, just so i could call you mine again. but thats not going to happen is it. i just dont understand what she has that i dont, well, a lot actually, but i wish you hadnt done what you did over the past week, only to now treat me like this. i sometimes wonder if you forget that i have feelings too, that im actually a person and not just another one of your numbers. or maybe i am just another of your numbers? im not entirely sure. i sure as hell feel like another number, another ex girlfriend whos left still being inlove with you and having to pick themselves up. you really are a heartbreaker, and i think myself stupid now for believing that i could change that, that you actually wanted to be with me for the rest of your life. but i guess it was some fantasy world i was living in, dreaming of the day id marry you and all along i was part of the big game of life, part of your game. i wonder if you lined up every single girl youve ever slept with or been with, could you remember all of their names? could you name each story of when you were with them? and i honestly doubt it. yet what you forget,  is that to them, you were a big part of their life even if they were just a mere spec on yours. to them, your part of their stories, finding who they are, to them, you are significant. but to you? what are they to you really? bar just another number? and i guess its my time now, to join the other girls in that long line and take my place as i slowly fade into the background and your past. things could have been so different, if youd just give me the time of day, but hey "next up we have number 69...', well i know that you are slowly forgetting us and what was, and so im writing our story so that atleast i dont forget. and maybe one day you will read it and you will remember us. i am but a spec to you now, but to me, you were and still remain my world. and maybe one day, i'll see you down at porlock weir, and we'll smile at each other in passing and very briefly, you'll remember who i am. and whilst you just walk by me, my entire body would tense up and freeze, my heart skipping a beat and my eyes welling up as all the memories come flooding back. but you'll be with your new family, with her, your kids, crabbing like we did and munching on fudge as cody runs around attacking crabs. i hope when that day comes, you dont recognise me, because i couldnt face seeing you with someone else or living our dream with another. so what am i saying with all of this? well im not entirely sure, i guess for now, ive given up. my heart hasnt given up, and odds are i'll still be sat waiting years down the line, but ive given up hope because youve given up on me.