so im casually sat here, feeling rather over-run with emotion, confusion, whatever. and im trying to think of how to put whats in my head, into words on a screen. im not sure im even able to. im not convinced there are any words really, i think its more of an urge to scream. i feel like there are so many questions i want answered in my life at the moment, and no one seems to be able to just give me a direct answer. everyone seems to be beating around the bush, or avoiding the questions completely. well for all of you who keep doing that, youre making my life hell! i dont like feeling like im padlocked into one of the most horrific and battering roller coasters. its like its got 50 million up and downs and corkscrews, one after another. if its not one thing, its another thing. and im not talking about mood wise here, mood wise im cosha and stable. im talking about the events in my life. there doesnt seem to be a constant, i never quite know where i stand or what im doing. do you ever feel like your stood, smacking your head against a brick wall because youre that fucked off and frustrated? thats how i feel right now. im not angry as such, just....pent up? if thats the right way of putting it. im also terrified of mum going away. i thought i was going to be fine, being on my own all the time, having freedom. but truth be told, im really not going to be fine. i hate it when she goes away, i hate being home alone. i think maybe thats why im feeling so flat today, i havent had to be on my own since before H moved in, and suddenly, for the first time, im well and truly on my own. no waiting for her to get home, no spooning or walking the dogs. that went away a long time ago when she left. and suddenly, this is the reality. freya is on her own. and truth be told, i hate it. im at the point of tears writing this. these next 2 weeks are going to go one of two ways, im either going to love it, or its going to send me into some sort of recluse with no concept of time. i feel the latter is going to happen.