so ive woken up feeling really strange today. yesterday was a bad day, hardly spoke all day and was in a complete panic for the majority of it. my guy then turned up in the evening, tried to get hold of you but no reply. i didnt sleep well at all last night, i feel like an insomniac, maybe i am? i had a series of bad dreams, i cant remember what the first one was about, i just know that i woke up crying and shaking. managed to drop back off to sleep and i had the most fucked up dream. i was working in a massive house (this seems to be a theme) but it wasnt slavery working, it was more like a museum/school/stately home, and i was in control of it. i invited you to stay for a weekend, and offered for her to come with you, except, she had a boyfriend? and you were still a lesbian, but...different? anyways, so we were all meant to be hanging out together, but the lift was fucked, and we eneded up losing each other on the floors so i got in a panic. i didnt manage to find you all day, and eventually found you in the evening. she had to go home with her boyfriend and you seemed to want to go with her, i put up a fight about it and so you agreed to stay, but i gave you a spare room to stay in. you were being really off with me, acting like you didnt know me. i came to wake you up the next morning, crawled up next to you and shook you awake. you awoke in a foul mood and when i asked you what had happened youd told me you'd slipped back into sniffing K. When i asked you why you left me out yesterday you look at me for a moment and regarded me and then came out with "because youre a virgin...". this confused me, i thought you understood about why i hadnt slept with a guy, atleast not through choice, because of what had happened when i was younger, and suddenly i was being excluded for it, because i hadnt willingly slept with a guy, so was technically still a 'virgin'. even though id done pretty much everything imaginable as a lesbian, and have regular strapon sex, but according to you this wasnt the same, and i classed as a virgin. it was kind of awkward, because it was like hanging round with a bunch of straight people and being back at school, being judged for being different. i woke up in a very strange mood and it got me thinking. is it weird i havent slept with a guy? am i missing out on something or am i going to be judged in the future for it? and yet its one of my deepest fears, to sleep with a guy, i mean i want to get past it one day and sleep with a guy just once, but we'll see hey? but it was strange, to see that side of you, it wasnt you at all, and yet you were completely different. i dunno, its hard to explain how im feeling. flat, lost, abnormal? ive never not been proud to be a lesbian, and yet now, i all of a sudden feel like a bit of an outcast. i know for a fact im not straight, but this dream....its fucked me up.