so ive woken up feeling really strange today. yesterday was a bad day, hardly spoke all day and was in a complete panic for the majority of it. my guy then turned up in the evening, tried to get hold of you but no reply. i didnt sleep well at all last night, i feel like an insomniac, maybe i am? i had a series of bad dreams, i cant remember what the first one was about, i just know that i woke up crying and shaking. managed to drop back off to sleep and i had the most fucked up dream. i was working in a massive house (this seems to be a theme) but it wasnt slavery working, it was more like a museum/school/stately home, and i was in control of it. i invited you to stay for a weekend, and offered for her to come with you, except, she had a boyfriend? and you were still a lesbian, but...different? anyways, so we were all meant to be hanging out together, but the lift was fucked, and we eneded up losing each other on the floors so i got in a panic. i didnt manage to find you all day, and eventually found you in the evening. she had to go home with her boyfriend and you seemed to want to go with her, i put up a fight about it and so you agreed to stay, but i gave you a spare room to stay in. you were being really off with me, acting like you didnt know me. i came to wake you up the next morning, crawled up next to you and shook you awake. you awoke in a foul mood and when i asked you what had happened youd told me you'd slipped back into sniffing K. When i asked you why you left me out yesterday you look at me for a moment and regarded me and then came out with "because youre a virgin...". this confused me, i thought you understood about why i hadnt slept with a guy, atleast not through choice, because of what had happened when i was younger, and suddenly i was being excluded for it, because i hadnt willingly slept with a guy, so was technically still a 'virgin'. even though id done pretty much everything imaginable as a lesbian, and have regular strapon sex, but according to you this wasnt the same, and i classed as a virgin. it was kind of awkward, because it was like hanging round with a bunch of straight people and being back at school, being judged for being different. i woke up in a very strange mood and it got me thinking. is it weird i havent slept with a guy? am i missing out on something or am i going to be judged in the future for it? and yet its one of my deepest fears, to sleep with a guy, i mean i want to get past it one day and sleep with a guy just once, but we'll see hey? but it was strange, to see that side of you, it wasnt you at all, and yet you were completely different. i dunno, its hard to explain how im feeling. flat, lost, abnormal? ive never not been proud to be a lesbian, and yet now, i all of a sudden feel like a bit of an outcast. i know for a fact im not straight, but this dream....its fucked me up.

so i heard this song today on the radio, and it just about sums up how i feel sometimes, fell inlove with it instantly <3

"Daylight"

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down

This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah

I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over, start all over,
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want,

 all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah, oh-woah, oh-woah
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah)
Oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah (yeah), oh-woah!

I don't know where I
Am going to rest my head tonight.
So I won't promise that I'll speak 
To you today,
But if I ever find
Another place, a better time
For that moment,
I was never what I am.

Take to me to where you are,
What you've become,
And what you will do 
When I am gone.
I won't forget,
I won't forget.

Maybe someday,
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me,
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling.
I'll be home for next year.

In between the lines
Is the only place you'll find
What you're missing
That you didn't know was there.
So when I say goodbye,
You must do your best to try
And forgive me this weakness,
This weakness.

'Cause I don't know what to say.
Another day,
Another excuse to be sent your way.
Another day,
Another year.

Maybe someday,
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me,
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling.
I'll be home for next year.
And maybe sometime,
In a long time,
You'll remember
What I had said there.
I said, I'll be home for next year, darling,
I'll be home for next year.

If you think of me,
I will think of you.

Maybe someday,
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me,
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling.
I'll be home for next year.
Maybe sometime,
In a long time,
You'll remember
What I had said there.
I said, I'll be home for next year.
Maybe someday,
You'll be somewhere
Talking to me
As if you knew me,
Saying, I'll be home for next year, darling.
I'll be home for next year.

I came, I saw, tore down these walls
Block one way, I’ll find another
You know you’ll always be discovered
If it’s me, you choose, I can’t lose
I’m in love with you if you love me too, yeah

Don’t ever change, and I’ll stay the same
We’ll be swimming in the same direction
And we’ll never lose this connection
Nothing they can do can stop this army of two
We’re marching to the future, yeah, it’s me and you

So just follow my lead, repeat after me
Our faith is the bullet, hope is the gun
And love is all we need
Now fear’s on the run
We’ve already won
Now march with the band, raise your right hand
We’ve only just begun

I took a vow to never let you down
When it’s us, there ain’t no competition
I can be the star on which you’re wishing
I never doubted for a moment it’s true
I love all of you if you love me too, yeah

Don’t ever change, and I’ll stay the same
We’ll be swimming in the same direction
And we’ll never lose this connection
Nothing they can do can stop this army of two
We’re marching to the future, yeah, just me and you

So just follow my lead, repeat after me
Our faith is the bullet, hope is the gun
And love is all we need
Now fear’s on the run
We’ve already won
Now march with the band, raise your right hand
We’ve only just begun

Only just begun, only just begun, only just begun

So don’t ever change, and I’ll stay the same
We’ll be swimming in the same direction
And we’ll never lose this connection
Nothing they can do can stop this army of two
'Cause we’re marching to the future, it’s me and you

So just follow my lead, repeat after me
Our faith is the bullet, hope is the gun
And love is all we need
Now fear’s on the run
We’ve already won
Now march with the band, raise your right hand
We’ve only just begun

It’s the moment of truth, I’m counting on you
This army of two have only just begun
It’s the moment of truth, I’m counting on you
This army of two have only just begun

I can't promise you that I won't let you down
And I
I can't promise you that I will be the only one around
When your hope falls down
But we are
Open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world
And love
This city breathes the plague of loving things more than their creators

I ran away
I could not take the burden of both me and you
It was too fast
Casting love on me as if it were a spell I could not break
When it was a promise I could not make

But what if I was wrong?
Oh, what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And oh, hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And now this land
Means less and less to me without you breathing through its trees
At every turn
The water runs away from me and the halo disappears
I'm not whole when you're not near

So what if I was wrong?
Oh, what if I was wrong?
Oh, what if I was wrong?

But hold on to what you believe in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

And oh, hold on to what you believed in the light
When the darkness has robbed you of all your sight

Hold on to what you believed in the light
Read more at http://www.songmeanings.net/songs/view/3530822107858741071/#fL31LSkkvq0gQ9Ic.99 

ahahaha!! thought you might appreciate this!

this made me giggle, because im that childish!

this makes me weirdly happy 

sat watching the new normal, and there is a blonde woman. i look at her and i go, i swear thats leisha hailey, but then, maybe she just looks similar. she looks...older. anyhow, searched it up online. i was right! it is leisha hailey!! shes so beautiful!

so gemm and i were talking about d/s relationships, and she told me she was going to write me a story of her fantasy. this is what she wrote...

I slowly rose to my feet and I could sense the excitement coursing through her veins as my eyes once again met hers. As I pushed her against the wall she took a gasp almost in shock that she had been over powered by the one person she thought she had total control over. I looked at her and smiled before sinking my head into her neck and teasing her with my tounge, I worked my way to her ear all the time keeping her pinned there, helpless and in complete submission to me. " Freya" I whispered "get to your knees, I'm the boss now". Within seconds she was on the floor obeying my every word. I could see her begin to shake with excitement and without me even having to ask she parted her legs, inviting me, begging me almost to touch her. I got down behind her and praised her for being so obedient "you're a good girl" I whispered "but you have been bad" my voice took a more stern tone "and bad girls need to be punished don't they?" If she had thought me anything it's that punishment is to be upheld. It was my turn now, my chance to show her how crazy she makes me when she teases, she's a good master but I had to show her she was my sub now.

its an interesting take, me being a sub, but its also weirdly attractive. no one though, is taking my dominance away, dom by nature, dom by trade ;)

She stood there gripping the steel and leather cuffs in her hand, i could see her eyes move across my half naked body, her mind going in to over drive with what she was about to do next, thoughts spinning around and projecting on to my bare skin,  the look in her eyes told me she was no longer teasing.  she had tested the waters and now she was was planning to bite, like a shark circling its prey. I knew i was the favoured menu and just watching her was making me wet. the look in her eyes told me to submit but I knew better, i knew she did this all of the time. Taunting me and toying and then when I thought I couldn't take it anymore she would pull back and try to make me beg. Frustration didn't even begin to describe how I felt. At that moment I was determined to end this game once and for all! I walked over to her and dropped to my knees, I could see by the look on her face that this pleased her, but what happened next she did not expect, I ran my hands up her legs aver her thighs and to the bottom of her back, I grabbed tightly onto the shining steel of her cuffs and I thrust them on to her wrists, the shock and excitement spread across her face as she began to realise what was coming.

todays been...strange. im sat thinking everything over, life, events, how everything comes to be. and as i sit and wonder, i wonder how it would feel to wake up tomorrow and not remember anything. to wake up and have no recollection of my life. or to wake up and it be 15 years down the line. how would i feel? how would my life be different? would there be things i would do over?  ive been sat watching 13 going on 30, and it got me thinking, how would it feel to be in that situation. say i woke up tomorrow and i had a big photography career, seeing the world and be famous. would i really be happy? could i really accept what my life was? so it got me thinking, what do i really want in life? i thought i wanted this big photography career, the money, the fame, but i guess when it comes down to it, thats not what i really want. i want my life back to how it was this time last year, just moving into the flat. be able to re-do it all over again and not make the same mistakes i did last time. this brings me onto my next point. what if i woke up and couldnt remember anything, couldnt remember you, who i was, what had happened in my life. would i be different? would i be who i am today? or like the film the vow, would i feel completely lost? id have this collection of photographs, of videos, my life in writing, and id know that id captured all these moments at some point, but it would be like reading someone else's life, and would i regret it? its hard to imagine, not remembering meeting you, not remembering anyone, not remembering how i felt towards you, how i felt about anything. id learn who you were, id learn what we did together, but would you be there to tell me? to try and make me remember? its a scary thought isnt it, to not be able to remember the past, or to wake up in the future and it be nothing like you dreamed of.

and so it got me thinking, as much as the memories hurt, i wouldnt change them, because they made me who i am. however, if someone gave me the chance to go back in time, and re-do my mistakes, to fight for you when i had the chance, would i? ofcourse i would. id follow the same path, but id know not to let you go, to not stop fighting for you. and so it made me come to realise, life is short. ive always known this but ive never completely thought about it in a deep sense. but as i do, i come to realise just how true it is. one day, we're going to be old and grey, and i come to wonder, if i was sat opposite another, could i really look at them and feel completely contented? would i ever fall inlove again like i did? would i want to? it also made me think, how important it is to fight for what you believe in in life. im a bohemian at heart, believing in freedom, truth, beauty and above all, love. there are times when i wonder how different things would have been had i of not met you, id probably be off to uni in september and on a completely different path in life, but i doubt id be happy. but when you came into my life, you turned it upside down. and so now as i sit here, i come to realise just how much i have to fight for you. im not a patient person, i hate waiting, because waiting is waiting for the unknown, its hoping on something that might not ever turn up, but i guess thats the risk you take. 'love is a gamble'. and so when i look at life in the grand scheme and i come to realise what i truly want in my heart, i realise i have to wait for it, to work hard for it and to prove that i deserve what i want. nothing is free in life, everything comes at a cost. and me realising just quite how set i was on being with you for forever, for me to realise that i had completely given you my heart, it came at the cost of me losing you. i could be playing a mugs game here, waiting for nothing, and thats terrifying, i guess thats why i push for answers so often, because i dont like the fear or the tension of waiting, because its taking a risk. for the first time in my life, something is beyond my control, something which truly matters to me. thats scary. being a dominant, im very controlling, control makes me feel safe, and im so used to being in control of everything in my life. so suddenly, when i have to hand over the reigns to someone else, and bank on them to decide my future, thats terrifying. because ultimately, thats what im doing, im allowing you to decide my future.

thought it was high time i put this song up, just about sums up how i feel.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green

Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene

He talks about you in his sleep
There's nothing I can do to keep
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene

And I can easily understand
How you could easily take my man
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
You could have your choice of men
But I could never love again
He's the only one for me, Jolene
I had to have this talk with you
My happiness depends on you
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him even though you canJolene, Jolene

so im casually sat here, feeling rather over-run with emotion, confusion, whatever. and im trying to think of how to put whats in my head, into words on a screen. im not sure im even able to. im not convinced there are any words really, i think its more of an urge to scream. i feel like there are so many questions i want answered in my life at the moment, and no one seems to be able to just give me a direct answer. everyone seems to be beating around the bush, or avoiding the questions completely. well for all of you who keep doing that, youre making my life hell! i dont like feeling like im padlocked into one of the most horrific and battering roller coasters. its like its got 50 million up and downs and corkscrews, one after another. if its not one thing, its another thing. and im not talking about mood wise here, mood wise im cosha and stable. im talking about the events in my life. there doesnt seem to be a constant, i never quite know where i stand or what im doing. do you ever feel like your stood, smacking your head against a brick wall because youre that fucked off and frustrated? thats how i feel right now. im not angry as such, just....pent up? if thats the right way of putting it. im also terrified of mum going away. i thought i was going to be fine, being on my own all the time, having freedom. but truth be told, im really not going to be fine. i hate it when she goes away, i hate being home alone. i think maybe thats why im feeling so flat today, i havent had to be on my own since before H moved in, and suddenly, for the first time, im well and truly on my own. no waiting for her to get home, no spooning or walking the dogs. that went away a long time ago when she left. and suddenly, this is the reality. freya is on her own. and truth be told, i hate it. im at the point of tears writing this. these next 2 weeks are going to go one of two ways, im either going to love it, or its going to send me into some sort of recluse with no concept of time. i feel the latter is going to happen.

so i thought everyone might like a quick update of how the photoshoot went as i mentioned it yesterday. it was absolutely crazy, my friend came with me to model for me  and to start it all off, satnav couldnt even locate the place we were going to, or rather, it could, but the road layouts had all changed and poor satelie grey got himself very very confused. anyways, after driving round, we finnnalllllyyyy found it! it looked so normal from the outside, just like a barn or a holiday apartment youd rent out. but go inside and they had everything, a car, dark room, bedrooms with pvc sheets, a dungeon and cinema upstairs. pretty much anything you could think of they had. i was completely in awe, id like one in my house please! for the use of photoshoots ofcourse, unless the situation arises that i want crazy kinky fuckery in there. hey maybe thats what i should do, train to be a dominatrix and just use my own person dungeon. anyways, point being the shoot went really well and i had an amazing time! it got me thinking though, how many of these places exist? like, that was so un-obvious, how many of these do i drive past on a daily basis? either way, im deffo going to go again!!

things wrong today:

1) i do not appreciate being woken up by being had a go at.  2)people need to learn to accept people as friends, ive had enough of all the drama with everything. 3) its pouring down with rain outside (i actually really like rain, but its just not helping the mood thins morning) 4)im out of tobacco, and i could really do with a cigarette right now.

that is all.
ciao

oh, and free house starts today, yeah yeah! :D

so today im off to do a bondage shoot in dungeons and whatnot. to say in excited is an understatement! ive woken up with dolly parton 9-5 on, and im busily running round the house getting stuff together, on some sort of crazy hype!!! eeeeeekkkkkkkk!!! :D

so im sat here wondering to myself, how could things have been different? and the more i think about it, the more it hurts, and the more i come to realise that maybe it was a series of events beyond our control that ultimately lead to the breaking down of our relationship. first of all, we got kicked out of mums, life was amazing in our little flat, genuinely amazing, but then you lost your job at bonkers, and finances became tough. we struggled on, and you got a new job, life became easier within that time, we were back to us again. then you lost your job, through no fault of your own, and life got really tough. it put a lot of stress on our relationship, on us, we both knew we were stuck, but instead of communicating, we took to different coping mechanisms and took it out on each other. it wasnt that we wanted to, its just that we didnt know what to do. we then lost the flat as we couldnt financially afford it. we got dora, went down to cornwall, but by this point i was pretty broken and in a bad place. we then lost tucker, and had to give up ali. we came back up, and things were just, i dunno, different. its like we'd spent so long trying to keep our heads above water, that we'd lost each other, we'd lost ourselves. and yet we both wanted to make it work so badly, we just didnt know how to. and when i look back, i dont blame us at all, we're a strong couple, and there isnt a lot we cant overcome, we just ended up drowning in problems caused by others. i mean i dunno, i often sit and wonder what it would be like if we were to try again, but this time we'd have the experience, we'd know each other inside out and we'd know what mistakes not to make again. just head to wherever we want to be, make a fresh start, get back on track. i said to you tonight "things may have been different" and you said "they would have been". its so true, because of other people fucking up, our relationship got fucked up. that hurts, a lot, to realise that if things hadnt of happened that did, we'd still be together, with our family of dogs, planning our wedding, our kids, our house, getting on with life. instead of feeling utterly lost. i dunno, i mean maybe its just wishful thinking on my behalf, and yet i cant let go of the fact that id do anything to be back to us, back to normal and coming home to where i feel so safe. i genuinely thought we'd be together forever, i was all set up for it, whenever i looked at you, i knew this was it, i was with you for good now, and i finally felt at home. and yet here we are, separated, confused and feeling lost. i wish youd just come home. the hardest part, is i knew how hard you leaving hit me, it completely destroyed me and my world came shattering down, but i never stopped to think how it impacted others. and yet tonight i sat and held my foster sister as she cried over you, over how much she missed you and wanted you to come home. and when she said that things would be different, that we'd all be a big family still, if social hadnt of got involved, it really hit something deep within. it made me realise just how lost i feel without you, just how much i love you, but also just quite how loved you are by everyone here. to them, and to me, your still part of the family, you still belong here, and i guess in a sense theyre all sat waiting like i am, holding on to that little bit of hope that you'll still come home. i want my life back, i want you back, i want our life together back, i want us, but stronger. the past 4 months have been hell, i dont belong anymore really, i wish you'd see how loved and missed you are. i often wonder if you miss and love us as much as we do you. and i also wonder if you ever think of coming home? i miss you baby. i love you.

ciao x

another random blog post, but as i write ive got itunes on, and ive been downloading cd's for mum to go on her ipod for when she goes on holiday on sunday (very jealous!), and george michael ft queen-somebody to love comes on, i frickin love this song!! *casually starts singing along and power dancing*

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. "youre shaking..." you whisper. "as are you!" i reply.

we've been shopping, spent a while walking round clothes shops, toy shops, playing with everything as per usual. but the shop we are far too familiar with is anne summers. we walk in playing the power couple, and spend a while browsing the newest collection of bondage gear. something grabs both of our attention, the leather and steel handcuffs. now we know that anne summers has a reputation as being over-priced and easily breakable, but this seem to be the first time we've spotted something that we cant break. its a no brainer, we're buying them. i eye them up, feel them in my hands, the cold bite of the steel, the warmth of the leather and i cant help but notice how easily i can tighten them.

standing outside the stall, i know what my plan is, and as i await for you to open the door, i mull over it.   at that moment you open the door and i walk in, a look of confusion spreading across your face, as my shark-like look appears. you raise an eyebrow, contemplating whats coming next. i lock the door behind me as we both stand there. im not hanging around or wasting any time, my mind is set and im going to dominate you. reaching into the bag i pull out the handcuffs, removing the keys i turn you around, pinning you against the wall. "bring your hands behind your back" i instruct you, and you do as you are told, you know better than to question me by now. i gently take your wrist and place a handcuff around it, adjusting it so that you are tightly bound. i then take the other wrist and do the same. taking the keys i undo the lock, only to further tighten the chain so your wrists are touching, pressing myself into you as i do so, pinning you there. "try and get out of them" i say huskily. you try but you know as well as i do, you arent getting out of them. "turn around" and you do so on command, your eyes dropped and your head low. "look at me" and very slowly your eyes meet mine. you sense it, i sense it, you know whats coming next and you know you cannot fight me. im your mistress and to fight me would be a punishable offence. leaning into you i use my feet to kick your legs apart so you are spread, using my bodyweight to pin you there as i keep my feet parallel to yours, again, meaning that you cannot close your legs or fight me. this isnt about you being in control, this is about me controlling you, dominating you and showing you what life is like as my sub. i lean in and kiss you forcefully and i am greeted with equal passion as you fight your restraints, youre hungry and wanting. this pleases me. i reach down and unbutton your jeans, sliding my hand down the front of your boxers as i pin you there. "keep your chin up" i instruct as i bite gently on your neck, knowing how much you like it. i reach down and feel you wet and parted, waiting for me. you could have spoken and fought me in that moment, but your body said otherwise. your body told me how much you wanted this, to feel me inside you, to be dominated. i reach my hand behind your neck, feeling the buckle of your new collar intwined with my fingers. you look beautiful in it, im proud to call you mine, to hear you call me mistress, im proud to have you wear my collar. pulling gently on it so there is slight pressure on youre throat, i slide a finger inside you and you let out a small gasp. i smile to myself, all the while you make sure your eyes do not meet mine, for you know this would anger me. i begin to fuck you, slowly at first, teasing you, testing you and i feel your legs giving way slightly. this causes me to thrust up against you, straightening your legs as i pull tighter on your collar, a silent warning that that is not allowed. i curl my fingers up inside you, pressing against your gspot as i feel your body respond, your muscles clamping around my fingers as you moan softly. "be quiet" i say to you in a hushed but firm voice, and instantly you return to silence. withdrawing my fingers you wimper slightly, and its a message to me that says you dont want me to pull away. tightening my grip on your collar so it is now pulling firmly against your throat, suffocating you almost, but i know how much you love this. as i pull tighter and you take a gasp, i thrust 2 fingers deeply inside you, spreading you and feeling your wetness coat my fingers. instantly you respond and bite down on my jacket, stifling your moan. i begin to fuck you harder and faster, my eyes now locked on yours as i watch you react to my touch, your muscles tensing, your breathing shallow and becoming husky and your legs giving way. i know youre close, and being a kind mistress i decide that this time i will allow you to cum. "more...please" is all you can manage to say to me, and i know you are talking about me pulling on your collar. i pull it so it is now chocking you, pulling it high up behind you so that you struggle to breathe, my fingers deep inside you as i go crazy, my body pressed into yours as i feel not only the wetness between your legs, but the growing amount between mine. you bite down hard on my jacket, your body tensing and shaking as you let out a stifled scream. your body goes into overdrive, your muscles spasm and your legs buckle, your wetness floods over my fingers, no noise escapes your lips, instead your head is now thrown back in ecstasy as you fall to the floor, your orgasm taking over. i continue with my fingers, grinding them deep inside you, even when you are now crouched on the floor, as i feel your muscles now loosen off completely as you cum all over my fingers.

i withdraw myself gently so as not to hurt you, and as you sit, panting and shaking, i help you to your feet. you stand up slowly, unsure of your legs or body. "turn around" i instruct you, and you do as you are told. i undo the handcuffs, allowing your arms that are still shaking to fall  to your sides. you turn around to face me and i pull you to me. within seconds your fingers are entwined with my hair, your lips locked on mine as we kiss each other ferociously, our body's becoming one as you show me just how you are feeling through your kiss. youre well spent but hungry for our kiss. its your way of saying "thankyou mistress". we slowly pull away and regard each other, that familiar smile crossing my lips. "shark" you giggle to me. i tilt my head to the side, my eyes locked on yours. "im not the only one" i purr. you look down at my hands and that devilish smile crosses your face. "youre shaking..." you whisper. "as are you!" i reply.

i dont think i'll ever grow tired of this photo <3

let the mad sorting and clearing session commence! had enough of not being organised and the chaos! oh also, today has been wonderful, but i'll write more about that later on on my 'thoughts for tonight'
ciao x

oh hey there beautiful! 

oh hey there natasha o'keffe-AKA SADIE FROM LIP SERVICE!
if she looked like this normally, then she needs to get in my bed now!

thoughts for tonight? (see there is a theme!). one word- SPENT. i dont think i need to say much more. tonight i am feeling very proud, mistress was impressed. so what else has gone on today? you know part of me writes this because i seem to think you would all find it fascinating, the other part of me writes it because i have such crap memory, that i dont want to forget each day, kinda like an online diary because i could never write down everything i think in a diary, id probably just end up making notes. so anyhow, todays been average. i spent the morning/early afternoon with lorraine and andrew, having a catchup, mulling over daily life etc. cuppa tea, fag, a natter, that sorta thing. came home fora bit, had a bath, did my makeup. chaz got in, went and brought some bacci and some wine. got back, went up to the keys, played pool, went to the angel, had dinner (homemade steak pie, chips, gravy-nom!) came home, and then just sat and 'chilled' for a bit. anyhow, so im now shattered and im literally falling asleep as i type this. so im sorry for the lack of entertainment or jokes in it, is pretty boring to be fair, but after tonight, im kinda lost for words, i feel brain-dead and numbed out. anyways, sleep time for me i guess.

ciao xx

'that is a punishable offence...'

'i like your kinky fuckery mistress' 

that depressing moment when you go to reach for your glass of water and instead end up knocking it over, and to top it off, its all over your recent project sketchbook :(

ohhh ohh look! another "thoughts for tonight" blog. i swear i should actually be writing some sort of article every night (well i guess i kinda am) on the daily goings on in freya's world. i actually lead a rather un-eventful life, but when i think about my day when i sit and type at night, its the little things that i sit and chuckle at (yes i do laugh at myself on a regular basis). so anyhow, thoughts for tonight. well, ive been in a pretty dominant mood all evening, hence the mass amount of bondage photographs, but hey, i think theyre kinda beautiful! so whats gone on in freyas world today i hear you ask. well i set my alarm for 7 this morning, can you believe it, 7 am! saying that though, i do recall being up at stupid am last week to wake certain people, so i guess i cant complain. anyways, point of the story is, no fucker was getting me up at 7 this morning. melatonin last night made quite sure of that, the bugger! so sleepy freya finally got out of bed pretty late (desperately need to sort out my sleeping pattern! note to self, attempt to get up early tomorrow, go for a run). anyhoo, so sleeping rant over, i dragged myself out of bed, feeling more than low this morning, joy of joys, poodled around for a bit, sorting out college work, applying for jobs, the usual malarky that we're all meant to do as teenagers apparently. soph came over fora bit, which was rather nice. had a good old gossip and catchup in the sun with a cuppa freya tea and a fag, just listening to the birds. i love it when the sun comes out, my mood goes right up, im completely relaxed and everything just feels so much better. anyways, so soph left, i did some housework (like a good daughter) and moreeeee job applying. we then went to asda to mass stock on food for me for when mum goes away. now see here was my issue, we all know freya loves food, and sausages, and other meaty products, but when you suddenly start thinking if there is horse in it, you go off it. so my meat shop, turned into chicken, chicken, more chicken, and some mince meat. oh! and  a rack of ribs to cook, nom! maybe i'll save them for you ;) this evening has been pretty relaxed, it looks like im going to be looking after a 5 week old baby for the next 2 weeks, helping a woman in bassett out, i mean my heart goes out to her, and i lovvveeeee babies, but then i become brudy, and i dont want it taking up all of my time, i have err....more important business to attend to. so anyways, watched crappy tv this evening (dont i every night?), nattered with chaz about my daily goings on, had breakfast at 9pm at night. ah well, who doesnt love a full fry up with oatcakes? i sure do. and guess what, no panicking over it!! (proud!) watched stella then decided hey, why not get an early bed-time? so here i am, snuggled down in bed, silky in hand (well ok, not in hand as im typing so that would be stupid, but on my chest), nattering away to the usual suspects and feeling rather drowsy (thank god for melatonin hey!). so now time for some sort of documentary, a muffin (a muffin!) and some water (yes i actually drink water now, can you believe it!?)

anyhow, ciao everyone <3

'i like your kinky fuckery" i whispered.

this is beautiful <3

<3

everytime i watch this i smile <3

so i stole this off charlie (love you!)
50 shades much? nommm!!

nom. that is all.

so ive just seen the video for 'i knew you were trouble' on mtv. and my word, its me and you!!! to a t. all the amazing times, the closeness, the, well, us. and then it all falls apart. i think i may have just fallen inlove with that song all over again!!!

hmmm so thoughts for tonight ( this seems to be a recurring theme). well todays been pretty lovely, slow waking up and all, but had a good 'ol bubble bath and a strawberry shake (nom!) to wake me up. took holly to t'station, and then gave jakey-boy (awhhh diddums!) a ring. jake, mark and i took murdoch and rocky for a walk around lydiard, which was pretty nice considering the sun was shining and all. it was so relaxing to be honest, although i didnt over appreciate rocky picking a fight with two massive staffy-type things! embarrassed.com! jake and mark also decided to climb the massive tree, mark jumped down all cosha and whatnot, jake however, is scared of heights. it was all very well getting up there, but we spent a good hour having to coax him into climbing down. went through every emotion possible, tears, anger, fear. (awh diddums!). needless to say, he was in a badddd mood after, partially because mark had been taking the piss out of him the entire time. however, i turned on my child-like charm and pretty soon he was back to his normal not-so-grumpy self. i also allowed him to drive my car around interface, whatta disaster! how that boy is managing to drive on main roads already is beyond me! and trust me, when mark drives, you can seriously see why he had his licence stripped! ah well, all fun and games, poor percey though! (dont worry buddy, i wont let anyone else drive you, well except H...maybe).  i then chilled out fora bit, watched crappy tv with shona (bonding sesh) and then cooked everyone dinner (roast chicken, mash, peas and gravy, nom!). ive also sat and watched my mad fight diary, and the new normal, wedding episode. oh i do love weddings and being all excited! it also made me sad though, they were pregnant (the two guys had a surrogate) and he proposed in the scan room infront of the surrogate to his boyfriend, it was vair vair beautiful! reminded me of us though (not cool). do you ever miss that? being all excited for the future and everything? anways, so I've now taken some melatonin as ive got to be up early (boo! *sad face*). so my general plan being is to sit and natter away to gemm (shes re-decorating her grandparents bathroom as a surprise for them when they come back off holiday, normal?), we're discussing books we've read, looks like imma need to go to the library soon ( if im not still banned!). also, bring on toddlers and tiaras! why am i so obsessed with this show? if i was a little kid though in america, id deffo want to be a pageant kid, although id be one of those cocky little kids who wears rocker outfits and is just a general lesbian. i think even from an early age it was obvious i was a lesbian. dungarees for the win! ohhh that reminds me! (note to self, buy dungarees and a white tight top, look like a don!). anyhow, i think thats pretty much it for today/tonight. ps. did you see the picture of my bubble bath? how epic!?!?

ciao! xx

pps: ive just re-read this blog entry and had a giggle to myself, im such funny bugger at times! oh well, hope it makes y'all smile!

bubble overload in the bath! and this is why i dont leave
the bath running without watching it!

thoughts for tonight? well, ive watched loads of crap tv tonight and read trash mags, ate a load of junk food. i also watched the notebook earlier with the famalam, chaz just kept looking at me as if to say, this is your life all over, was kinda painful but hey, its a beautiful film, and for once, i didnt cry at the end! ive done bugger all today, quite literally. well actually thats a lie, i cleaned the entire downstairs, i walked the pooch multiple times and had lots of snuggles etc. i also watched toddlers and tiaras back to back, i frickin' love that show! but besides that, nothing much interesting has gone on today. what a boring life i lead eh? anyways, im actually really tired pretty early, for the first time in ages! so i dont have much to say right now, my apologies. what am i doing right now? well im currently sat in bed, teeth feeling stupidly clean and white (ive become a bit ocd with my teeth), im going to watch some sort of crappy documentary, not sure what yet, i mean i watched one on medical marijuana last night, imagine being able to walk into a store, and there just be shelves and shelves of different strands of weed, crazy times! i have a feeling tonight will either be a crime documentary or a bit of david Attenborough (woah spellcheck even has his name in it!), we all know the world is going to come to an end the day that man dies!! other stuff going on right now, well photoshop is bouncing away at the bottom of my screen, reminding me i have college work to sort, joy of joys! erm, its cold, cloudy and well....dark? my bed is cushty and warm though, so thats a bonus.  anyways, time for documentaries and sleep! sorry for the crappyness of this blog entry! adios xx

this morning mum is in her usual banche borderline personality disorder mood. everything i do is wrong, everything needs yelling bout and i need to move out.  im sick of her, im sick of all of this. one minute shes all lovely, the next shes screaming the place down. ive genuinely had enough of all the crap. enough of her. enough of her screaming. enough of the mood swings. today is a bad day indeed.

this is going to be me, sat even as a skeleton,
waiting for you. thought this photo was rather entertaining,
 as it pretty much sums it all up.

is it bad that i saw a guy with the surname 'salmon' and hes ginger so i cracked up. i mean really, salmon=pink/orange=gingers. how ironic :')

quote of the day:

me 'i dont normally go for girls in uniform, it doesnt do anything for me, but the moment theres a firefighter, its like, get in my bed now! wtf?'

charlie ' wahey.frankie. found someone to quench your fire? hahahaha"

oh charlie, you are my little ray of sunshine through dark clouds, you never fail to make me laugh or look on the brighter side of life. you and your tess like ways, i mean after all, whats tess without frankie? i love you chickadee! <3

thoughts for tonight? well today i have applied for 7 different jobs, ive looked at flats, and im phoning up for viewings tomorrow. ive also done something crazy. ive applied for a 4 month ski job in the alps! im not sure if this is a good or a bad thing, i mean im so so excited, and it seems like an amazing idea, but also, 4 months, with people i dont know? then again, my friend did it and he had an incredible time.

gemm just sent me this, its her dads place, my idea of heaven or what?! http://hhfrance.com/Western_Loire/4412_Hunters_Retreat/4412_hunters_retreat.html
i want to go here!!

lifes looking up. Ofcourse, you still wonder through my thoughts and i think of us more than i should, i wonder how your day has been, what youve been up to, hows life in general. but i guess you dont want to talk to me about that stuff. i find it funny really, you know whats going on in every moment of my life, because its all written down on here. you know what im thinking, how im feeling, what im doing. its like im gone, but not gone? you havent got to talk to me to find anything out, because its always written down here. but how about the other way around? i mean whilst youre getting an in-depth description, i get nothing, no clue, no idea. i guess thats the way its always been though, id pour my emotions out, whereas you box yourself in. this evening though, gemm has picked me up a bit, shes sat and listened to all my rambling, all my moaning and all my upset, and taken it all in her stride. instead of getting angry or confused, shes talked me through all of it and even managed to make me laugh. we sat and played 20q and nattered about anything and everything. gemm ' yeah hes mega quirky ( i think thats a nice way of saying someones ugly tbh)". cracked me up. all in all, lifes been good this evening. keep the banter rolling and the sexual innuendos coming is all i can say. but see heres the thing, i wonder if you'll care if i moved on? would it bother you? would it hurt you as much as it hurt me, to see me with someone else? and genuinely want to be with them? to know i was finally gone? i guess these are questions that i'll never know the answer to, even though id like to. would you then fight for me? or would you just watch me walk away? the hardest bit, is knowing how much it would destroy me inside to move on. i dont think i would move on thats the thing, i could be with her, love her so so much, but id still be inlove with you, sat waiting for you, and odds are, fuck her over for you. or would i?

anyways, whilst im on my little high that im having right now, im gonna keep this short and sweet and not dwell on the bad crap. i wish to keep my sanity thankyou very much. bring on another night of dreaming of you, joy of joys. lets hope its not you dying this time eh?

'youve got brains in your head, feet in your shoes, you can steer yourself in any direction you chose'

fuck sake...

• Contract type

  Permanent

Malmesbury, Wiltshire: Dog loving, family friendly professional Ironing, Housekeeping/ Cleaning, Driving, Gardening and all-rounder couple required for a superb role in a lovely location. The couple for this role will have the highest standards, an eye for details, an ability to see what need to be done and do it and plenty of flexibility to undertake the care of a 7 bedroom, large family home and helping to look after the gardens. Monday – Friday (flexibility to do some weekends by arrangement essential), with usual hours of 8am – 6pm again with flexibility. Accommodation provided is a lovely large furnished 3 bedroom lodge with utilities included. Start ASAP and looking for a couple to commit long term. A salary of £350 per week net per person, £700 per week net combined will be paid on skills and experience. "This lovely position is based on a 60 acre estate in a beautiful location. Working for a family with a bog of 3 years and 2nd baby on the way along with 2 cats, 4 dogs, horses and sheep any couple considering this role should be family and animal friendly. The family employ a full time nanny, 2 gardeners and grooms. The couple for this role must be proactive, very thorough, have an eye for details, an ability to clean to very high standards, be hard working, trustworthy, committed and responsible. The role for the couple will be the following: One part of the couple will be responsible for cleaning the house to a very high standard, laundry including ironing, hand washing, care of fine clothing and similar, helping feed and care for and to geed the dogs, assisting with childcare when the nanny is off, occasional helping with meet and greet/ serving when the family entertain, cupboard and wardrobe management, having an eye for detail and ensuring the smooth running for the house and standards are maintained. The other part of the couple will be responsible for driving including school runs, airport runs, shopping, running errands, caring for the cars, household maintenance and DIY, helping to care for the dogs including feeding them, walking them and similar, general gardening duties including mowing, weeding and similar. Also working flexibly and helping inside and outside as required. When the family are away the couple will be responsible for house and pet sitting along with doing a deep clean of the house.

Although the role will generally be Monday – Friday flexibility on days and hours will be required depending on need. The family are looking for a couple to be committed that can stay, work hard and be flexible; the accommodation is a lovely 3 bedroom furnished lodge and the main utilities are included. A couple with a well behaved trained dog will be considered.
"
Please apply with a CV and a covering letter. Only successful candidates will be contacted.

that annoying moment when you see someone in a movie, recognise them, but cant place where you know them from. anyhow, my evening tonight has consisted of listening to mum and chaz get all excited about their holiday, a bubble bath, chatting to gemm, and now sat watching chalet girl with a glass of wine and silky. not quite the same without you here, remember we said we were going to go and see this movie? its actually really good. ive been browsing kj tickets and phantom of the opera, dunno if you still wanna go, but whatever, text me about it if you want to come, if not, i'll find someone else to come with. watching chalet girl makes me want to go snowboarding, i might do it you know. go to france for a couple of weeks, head down to the south coast, then head to the alps for a week of snowboarding. nothing makes me feel more free than when its me, my board, and the mountains. its like nothing can take that moment away from me, and nothing else in the world matters.

"I'll Hold My Breath"

Breathe air you're not used to
Tread floors you don't fall through
Make waves...
You crash a symbol hard
Follow no one, always play the wrong card
Waste days in foreign places
Shed light on your better side
Reassure me that you'll wait for me, wait for me as long as it takes!

And I'll hold my breath, I'll hold my breath

Until you see me in your dreams
We'll stay awake beneath the trees
We'll watch the buildings turn to dust
A sky of diamonds just for us
You are the risk I'll always take
The only branch I'll never break
Those fears we'll blow them all away, we'll blow them all away

Fight fires in your best clothes,
Touch skin with your eyes closed
Chase thunder with the volume down
Pack a suitcase, wander to the next town
Force quit on your losing streak
Solve a riddle in a magazine, be tongue in cheek
Tell me that we're still too young,
That we're still too young and I'll hold my tongue

Until you see me in your dreams
We'll stay awake beneath the trees
We'll watch the buildings turn to dust
A sky of diamonds just for us
You are the risk I'll always take
The only branch I'll never break
Those fears we'll blow them all away, we'll blow them all away

I'm here, I'm here to take you
I'll swim, I'll swim to save you
No fall, I'm here to catch you
I'll swim, I'll swim to save you...

Until you see me in your dreams
We'll stay awake beneath the trees
We'll watch the buildings turn to dust
A sky of diamonds just for us
You are the risk I'll always take
The only branch I'll never break
Those fears we'll blow them all away, we'll blow them all away