so its now, 20 to 5 in the morning, well im deffo not gonna be up early! on a different note, i dont mind being up this late, not when im sat chatting to her and Reece. im actually dead excited to meet him aswell when i go over, theyre such a chilled out group, hello 2 weeks of being a hippy :D but no, she was pretty down tonight, people saying stuff that wasnt needed, however all has ended well and shes back laughing away so happy days, although im still not impressed with this distance! the funny thing is, when it comes to her, the distance doesnt bother me, i thought it would, but if anything, i just think its kinda cool to think i could be flying over to ireland once and month and then her coming here, its like constantly going on holiday! (seeing as how much i like going on the plane!). i dunno, its hard. theres this part of me that so desperately holds onto the past, to what was, and wants it back. but theres also this part of me, thats excited for whats to come with her, to see how things turn out. and its funny, because i thought id never feel like this again, that i wouldnt start falling for someone or liking someone, yet here i am...its genuinely terrifying, but que sera sera. and its not that im forgetting you or that i dont love you, because i love you and miss you more than you'll ever realise, but i think its acceptance of the fact that just because i love and miss something, doesnt mean its coming back, and that how i feel isnt reciprocated, and i think im at a point now where im kinda ok with that, atleast since shes come along....and i dont sit and write this to hurt you or to get at you, but this is my blog of my feelings about my life, and i guess in a sense, its kinda important i write about her, because i dont want to forget, these past 4 or 5 months, or however long its been, nearing on 5 now i think? well theyve been hell, absolute hell, and i guess this is part of the story, part of the process. its strange though, i dont feel afraid to tell her anything, ive completely opened up to her, told her everything about my past, and all shes done is support and accept.

its a different kinda relationship to you and i though, her and i, its a very spiritual, hippy, loving life type thing, and go with the flow, i guess me all over? but theres not that career orientation, or plan, or i guess in a sense the heaviness that you and i had. and i dont mean heaviness in a bad way, i just think because you and i, we were a power couple through and through, out to make a statement, to shock the world, to create this big, extravagant future filled with joy and laughter, careers, mortgages, kids, marriage, the works really, but in a very old english style way, you were my protector, my best friend, and the person i looked up to, it was a very serious relationship with high hopes and big dreams. and i guess her and i, well it hasnt got that heaviness yet. i mean, we've discussed what we want in the future, and its the exact same, but its like we're kinda on the same level. there no masculine figure between us, its a far more softer, gentle relationship, very very hippy like, bringing peace to the world and all that. i think thats the only way i can describe it, is a hippy relationship. i dunno, i wonder if im going to miss that? having that dominant, someone who i could curl up against when i was scared, i mean i could do that with her, but i dunno, its different, when i was with you, i felt like nothing could ever hurt me. and i guess with her and i, its like we're strong together, but we are also very independent people. its all so confusing in my head atm, and my heart feels torn. one part goesL dont walk away, dont give up hope. the other half goes: freya you'd be stupid to walk away from lorna, shes everything you want and more, its new and exciting. 

i think more than anything, it hurt to look at her and feel that rush and the butterflies, and be reminded that thats how i felt about you, but it was also comforting to know that i could feel that way about someone else, and that maybe i shouldnt give up all hope on relationships, maybe she'll be the fixing of me? i mean thats a hard thing, knowing that you fixed me when you met me, pulled me out of a dark place and made my life beautiful, but when you left, you plummeted me right back to square one, and i guess in a way, it just felt like id been given this amazing view on life, to have it snatched away. and i guess in a sense im worried about that with her, maybe thats why im not allowing myself to fall too quick, because i dont want to get too emotionally involved incase it all fucks up again. i couldnt go through what i went through with you again when you left, it was soul shattering. i mean we spoke tonight though, and discussed the whole heartbreak thing, and both agreed that neither of us wanted to break or hurt the other, so thats a positive. 

other creepy thing, on the ever growing list of similarities between us. last night we were talking and she goes, *insert irish accent* 'so when i have kids, i have 2 names i like...but theyre a bit quirky and a bit unusual"  me "go on...." her"ok, so if its a girl, i like skylar.....and for a boy, i quite like darcey' *insert stunned silence here*. i didnt quite know what to make of it, i mean, i hadnt even mentioned anything to her about names, and she doesnt have access to my blog, and yet, she has the exact same names. creepy stuff o.O rahhhh i just dont know how to feel right now, i feel like im completely torn, like in pocahontas where she has to decide which side of the river to follow, thats me. which route do i take? and its not like its my head and my heart fighting now, its my heart and my heart, and thats the worst part.