im at a crossroads right now, fight or flight. ive suddenly hit a major low, as my previous post stated, and that familiar craving is back, and im angry at myself for it. i know that i can sleep it off and i'll be fine in the morning, but i hate feeling like ive let myself down by having urges. this is the first time its happened since kc, but im still so angry at myself. this is what happens, when i remember. it slips me into a very bad place, it reminds me of how heart-broken i am and it makes me feel like im suffocating, like i need to find a way to escape it. im angry at myself for being upset over you, im angry at myself for caring, because i know that you really couldnt give two shits, youve gone with the wind and not looked back, so why do i care? why do i care for someone who doesnt care for me? a new girls come along, Chelsea, i mean, shes pretty cool, and we get on like a house on fire, shes a hippy aswell and lives like shes in the 60s, dancing and all. shes like me, she'd rather be listening to elvis or the dirty dancing soundtrack, that all this modern day crap. shes even a big spoon! i mean its all pretty cool with her, and potentially a new relationship, but we'll see. but shes not you. far from it. maybe thats a good thing? i think i made that mistake with kc, i was with her because i saw you in her, she was familiar, safe, and when i lost her, it genuinely hurt. i knew walking away was the best thing, but i did care for her, and i was falling for her, slowly i might add, but i know it wasnt healthy. i dont think i was falling for her as a person, i mean i got treated like shit by her, but maybe i was craving that, craving for someone to take advantage, i was in that rougher place, that the blood play seemed like a good idea at the time. it filled her need for blood, and it filled my need to feel something, to feel alive. when i hit a real low, cutting for me isnt about the pain, its about seeing the blood pouring out, and it reminding me of how very alive i am, and it wakes me up, gives me a release. but i dont want to slip back to that, i don't want to be that person again. im on a new spiritual journey at the moment, so we'll see how that goes.  i accidentally starved myself for 48 hours over the last few days, not because i meant to, but because i was feeling so stressed and upset, i forgot to eat. i was fine, up until all the shit kicked off last night and the previous day, and then i just forgot i was hungry, didnt eat all day today or yesterday, and actually felt really good when i looked down and saw how flat my stomach was looking. then finally remembered i was hungry at like 9pm tonight. its happening again though...the hating myself for having weight on me, but its not a depressive thing this time, its just about feeling comfortable in my own body. i know youd be dissapointed in me for dropping off weight, but i hate the fact i cant see my hip bones, i hate how fat i feel. i know if anything, i need to put some weight on, but i can't. i remember buying that red corset and it being so so tight, now even when its as tight as it goes....its still loose. i miss my long hair, i miss being so thin, i miss my mask. because atleast then i didnt have to answer how i was, everyone just saw me as the skinny mini barbie doll girlfriend.  rahhh, lifes so confusing and emotional. "fucked up frankie" hey?