so im having a random memory moment, and ones just come racing back to me. freya and i were discussing strokes and calling ambulances, and it reminded me of 2 things. first off it reminded me of when you electrocuted yourself with the plug, i had gone to the bathroom, next thing i hear is you scream, the most sickening sound i have ever heard, and im yelling at you, trying to find out if you are ok. run into the living room, and youre fitting on the floor, i dont know if i can touch you, so instead i call an ambulance, and the woman on the phone directs me how to help you as i try to calm youre breathing. eventually the paramedic arrives (the lady we met at lydiard), she does a load of tests and gets you stable. turns out youre ok, you just electrocuted yourself with full voltage. i get you into bed and cuddle you, i dont think ive ever been so scared.  thinking about this also triggers a lot of memories about hospital trips, for your asthma, your arms (how you injured them so many times i'll never know), your cramps.

anyways, my next memory is that of when my breathing fucked up. do you remember? i couldnt stop coughing and i was struggling to breathe, i tried so hard to convince you i was fine, but you knew better, you called out a paramedic. he came out and was charming as ever, checked my breathing, by which point i really was struggling. he sent us to the doctors in chippenham (i think), and we spent ages sat in the waiting room, me slipping in and out of consciousness and eventually being told i had a severe chest infection that was causing it. but i remember being so scared, i hate not being able to breathe, but you calmed me down, made me feel safe and held me. thats a happy memory, not because of what happened, but because i knew that you cared that much for my wellbeing that you stayed up until near on 3 am with me, driving me round and helping me. we then went to maccies after, and had our usual orders. me: chicken nugget happy meal with a strawberry milkshake and a double cheeseburger, you: sweet chilli chicken wrap meal (hold the cucumber!) with a diet coke and a mayo chicken (hold the salad!).

its silly things i keep remembering, but things that make me smile. anyways, i hope by reading this you remember. i hope by me jotting these memories down, i will slowly be able to piece it all back together and write the book, because right now its a massive jumble in my head.