i feel...numb. i dont know how im meant to feel, i mean I've been through this before, i remember it so clearly, i should be able to deal with this, but i guess its hard to feel ok when you dont know who talk to and you realise this is beyond your control. the funny thing is, the warning signs were there, the distance, but i guess i just figured it was because people were busy. i guess in a way, im so angry, my family fell apart for this, because people decided to lie and cheat, i remember the heartache, i remember waking up, i must have been 3 and a half at the time. i was in bed and i woke up because i could hear shouting and screaming. climbing out of bed (i hate to admit my bed was pretty epic, i had a ladder and everything and my dad had made it for me) i went out onto the landing and carys,danie and joe were all crying, i went into the bathroom and mum and dad were fighting, the glass screen on the bath had been smashed in. danie came and scooped me up, all the while mum screaming at her to call the police. we went downstairs and i remember being so terrified that i threw up on danie and continued to scream. the police woman turned up with a male police officer aswell. she was nice, she was a black woman, maybe in her 30's, curly hair and the most amazing smile. she wore a badge that had a gold star on it. she bent down and tried to talk to me, but i was so shy and upset. mum was sat at the top of the stairs and dad almost pushed her down. the last bit i remember was watching my dad be cuffed and taken away, and then i draw a blank. i know something happened because my next memory is of sorting through my toy box and finding dads stuff, and mum swearing and telling me off, because i wanted to see him. i also remember very clearly a lot of plates and cups being smashed, the constant rows. i remember going outside and accidentally stepping on a shard of pottery and i got it wedged in my foot. joe sat with a pair of tweezers and some vinegar and slowly pulled it out, it hurt a lot! he put a plaster over it and drew a smiley face on it. whilst im thinking of memories, ive suddenly remembered when my hamster died, hammy, i got a day of school i was that distraught! but thats another memory for another time. oh, and painting a half butterfly on one half of a piece of paper, folding it in half and opening it to find it had made a whole butterfly. oh how amazing that was at pre-school! was i the only one who had those corny videos taken? where you sit in the car and they green screen you? i went to disneyland in mine!!! and i was blowing kisses and popping bubbles, and....the car flew!!! oh childhood :') anyhow...so yeah, i guess thats the story of my parents breaking up, it comes to me in flashes, whatever happened in the years after that. i dont remember an awful lot, i guess some pretty traumatic stuff happened because i hardly remember any of it. so now its happening all over again, but more subtle, slower, no arguing, just...numb. and i guess thats harder to deal with than the fights. you fight because you care, you argue because you love that person, but being silent, just slipping? well thats all love vanished.