my phone comes up with a text and my heart races, then i realise its not from you and i sink again....

the other thing i hate, is how restricted i feel about what i write on here now because apparently certain people are reading it. i want to rant, to explode, clear my head. i feel like its getting to the point where there is no point in me having a blog because its like its all censored. truth be told, i dont give a shit who reads it, or what they think, but hey, gotta keep people happy i guess.

theres nothing big about making others feel small :/ 

im sorry i fuck up
im sorry im not perfect
im sorry you hate me
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry i fuck up your life
im sorry i make you angry
im sorry for not being what you want me to be
im sorry for trying when its not what you want
im sorry for letting you down
im sorry i cause so much crap in your life
im sorry im not beautiful or busty or have the perfect body
im sorry i care more than you care for me
im sorry for every mistake i have ever made
im sorry for how much of an impact i had on your life
im sorry for thinking you cared
im sorry for caring too much
im sorry for still loving you when you dont love me
im sorry for everything i have ever done in your life, things would be different if i hadnt of been there.

i dont even know what to say right now, i feel kinda numb, i guess no matter what, with me around, your life will always be full of fuckups because im never going to be good enough for you, i knew that from the start, that i wasnt worthy or deserving of you, and maybe i was a fool for thinking you'd even think of me or that you'd want my support. but please understand, that thats all i ever wanted, was to support you.

just another fuck-up 

"It's not courage, its a belief in yourself, that you're doing something that you know you've got to do '

give me carnage

suddenly gone very angry, and i dont know why. suddenly im crying and wanting to scream at everyone. im meant to be tidying right now, but I seriously needed to blog to vent. i mean, lifes not shit or anything, the scenarios pretty crap but whatever you know? but trying to contain this anger is horrible, when i get like this i want to tell everyone to fuck off, to push them away, and be angry at the world, and no amount of enya is chilling me out right now. this so rarely happens, and it normally last 5 mins and then its over. im never angry, but i think having all the shit to deal with atm, family members dying,moving out, social, jobs, mum being aggressive, its all just getting a little too much, and then certain things are just the icing on the cake.  what i want right now is a sub or rough sex, something to get rid of all this pent up energy, because its unbearable, i need something that i can be angry with, rough sex, it means i can be as rough as i like, but take all my frustration out, and it be amazing. shove me up against the wall, shred my clothes, bite me, scratch me, restrain me, make me fight you, try and tame me, i want the fight, i want to fight you as you try to pin me, i want to be sweating and breathing heavily, in shark mode and there be a fight for dominance, for me to try and get you off me as i fight underneath you, only for you to re-pin me. destroy me and dominate me, then hold me afterwards as i lay trembling and sleepy in your arms. i dont do vanilla, and what i want right now is far from vanilla, i want carnage.

“I don’t know what circumstances occurred in your life for you to build such a strong brick wall around your heart, but I do intend to tear it down." ~Cole” 

“He made me feel unhinged . . . like he could take me apart and put me back together again and again.” 
― Chelsie Shakespeare

“I don't care," said Seth. "I would have done it. I would have sold my soul for you. You and me...I told you. Something's always going to keep us near each other...even if we aren't together.” 
― Richelle Mead, Succubus Heat

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.
~Kahlil Gibran

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise.
~Richard Bach

ok so first things first, an ad for bristol aquarium just came on tv, take me please?! anyhow, so yeah, im not really sure what to write tonight or what to say. ive spent the evening watching videos, making notes for when i write some more of the book, the little memories that keep being triggered. ive also seen soph and callum tonight, so that was pretty nice. theres so much i feel i need to write, but those thoughts arent really ones i wish to share with everyone who reads this. ive been so relaxed and happy the last few days, ive slept well,  falling asleep feeling contented and safe. thats something i havent felt for a while, falling asleep and being excited to go to sleep, excited to wake up. its not 23:43 and im shattered. as for lorna, im not sure how im feeling about everything, ive been pretty standofish with her the past couple of days, lotta stuff on my mind, i dont mean to be, i just cant exactly explain it all to her. right now i dont know how im feeling about going to ireland, or if i want to go or not.  blerghhhh, sleep time.

ciao and sleep well
xxx

so its now, 20 to 5 in the morning, well im deffo not gonna be up early! on a different note, i dont mind being up this late, not when im sat chatting to her and Reece. im actually dead excited to meet him aswell when i go over, theyre such a chilled out group, hello 2 weeks of being a hippy :D but no, she was pretty down tonight, people saying stuff that wasnt needed, however all has ended well and shes back laughing away so happy days, although im still not impressed with this distance! the funny thing is, when it comes to her, the distance doesnt bother me, i thought it would, but if anything, i just think its kinda cool to think i could be flying over to ireland once and month and then her coming here, its like constantly going on holiday! (seeing as how much i like going on the plane!). i dunno, its hard. theres this part of me that so desperately holds onto the past, to what was, and wants it back. but theres also this part of me, thats excited for whats to come with her, to see how things turn out. and its funny, because i thought id never feel like this again, that i wouldnt start falling for someone or liking someone, yet here i am...its genuinely terrifying, but que sera sera. and its not that im forgetting you or that i dont love you, because i love you and miss you more than you'll ever realise, but i think its acceptance of the fact that just because i love and miss something, doesnt mean its coming back, and that how i feel isnt reciprocated, and i think im at a point now where im kinda ok with that, atleast since shes come along....and i dont sit and write this to hurt you or to get at you, but this is my blog of my feelings about my life, and i guess in a sense, its kinda important i write about her, because i dont want to forget, these past 4 or 5 months, or however long its been, nearing on 5 now i think? well theyve been hell, absolute hell, and i guess this is part of the story, part of the process. its strange though, i dont feel afraid to tell her anything, ive completely opened up to her, told her everything about my past, and all shes done is support and accept.

its a different kinda relationship to you and i though, her and i, its a very spiritual, hippy, loving life type thing, and go with the flow, i guess me all over? but theres not that career orientation, or plan, or i guess in a sense the heaviness that you and i had. and i dont mean heaviness in a bad way, i just think because you and i, we were a power couple through and through, out to make a statement, to shock the world, to create this big, extravagant future filled with joy and laughter, careers, mortgages, kids, marriage, the works really, but in a very old english style way, you were my protector, my best friend, and the person i looked up to, it was a very serious relationship with high hopes and big dreams. and i guess her and i, well it hasnt got that heaviness yet. i mean, we've discussed what we want in the future, and its the exact same, but its like we're kinda on the same level. there no masculine figure between us, its a far more softer, gentle relationship, very very hippy like, bringing peace to the world and all that. i think thats the only way i can describe it, is a hippy relationship. i dunno, i wonder if im going to miss that? having that dominant, someone who i could curl up against when i was scared, i mean i could do that with her, but i dunno, its different, when i was with you, i felt like nothing could ever hurt me. and i guess with her and i, its like we're strong together, but we are also very independent people. its all so confusing in my head atm, and my heart feels torn. one part goesL dont walk away, dont give up hope. the other half goes: freya you'd be stupid to walk away from lorna, shes everything you want and more, its new and exciting. 

i think more than anything, it hurt to look at her and feel that rush and the butterflies, and be reminded that thats how i felt about you, but it was also comforting to know that i could feel that way about someone else, and that maybe i shouldnt give up all hope on relationships, maybe she'll be the fixing of me? i mean thats a hard thing, knowing that you fixed me when you met me, pulled me out of a dark place and made my life beautiful, but when you left, you plummeted me right back to square one, and i guess in a way, it just felt like id been given this amazing view on life, to have it snatched away. and i guess in a sense im worried about that with her, maybe thats why im not allowing myself to fall too quick, because i dont want to get too emotionally involved incase it all fucks up again. i couldnt go through what i went through with you again when you left, it was soul shattering. i mean we spoke tonight though, and discussed the whole heartbreak thing, and both agreed that neither of us wanted to break or hurt the other, so thats a positive. 

other creepy thing, on the ever growing list of similarities between us. last night we were talking and she goes, *insert irish accent* 'so when i have kids, i have 2 names i like...but theyre a bit quirky and a bit unusual"  me "go on...." her"ok, so if its a girl, i like skylar.....and for a boy, i quite like darcey' *insert stunned silence here*. i didnt quite know what to make of it, i mean, i hadnt even mentioned anything to her about names, and she doesnt have access to my blog, and yet, she has the exact same names. creepy stuff o.O rahhhh i just dont know how to feel right now, i feel like im completely torn, like in pocahontas where she has to decide which side of the river to follow, thats me. which route do i take? and its not like its my head and my heart fighting now, its my heart and my heart, and thats the worst part. 

so i wake up yesterday morning and check my phone, and i see this in my inbox...
what a beautiful thing to wake up to, shes so lovely :D i suppose its one way of
passing time in a meeting haha! 

The thing is each one of us,
is the sum total of every moment 
that we ever experience, 
with all the people we've ever known.


And it's these moments 
that become our history.
Like our own personal of 
greatest hits of memories.
We play and replay in our minds, 
over and over again.
- Leo

darcy....in ireland? o.O 

this song came on the radio earlier, spent the entire journey singing along to it <3

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good

Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school 
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.

tunee....

You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we stopped keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night

Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
(Making me love you)
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
(I let it all go)
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
(Like a tattoo, yeah)
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah)

Yeah, baby, give me one more night
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (whoa, yeah)
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (oh, yeah, yeah)

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body like a tattoo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Oh, I said it a million times)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah, baby give me one more night)

So I cross my heart and I hope to die (yeah, yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night (yeah, yeah)
And I know I said it a million times (yeah, yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night (yeah, yeah)

I don't know, whatever.

blerghhh, thinking of you :/ im fine for ages, so happy sat chatting to her, she's so easy to talk to, to just jam to music and be general hippy's, and laughing at everything. but then, i hit moments like these, where i think of you and i miss you and i miss us, and i long for it and my heart aches. but then i know its not coming back, that your not coming back, and i suppose at some point i need to accept that and block out that bit of my heart thats so inlove with you. thing is, i dont want to do that, i dont want to block it out ,  but what do i do? and the scary thing is, the thing that scares me mosts, is to think that the butterflies i get when i talk to her, is the way you feel about....:/

to go to ireland or get her to fly here, that is the question. there are 2 sides to this. i go there: i get to see ireland (life long dream), go surf and meet everyone, plus its a bit of a holiday and who doesnt love irish accents? on the other side, if she comes here it means surfing, going to cornwall or camden and just generally chilling. or we could do both? o.O

so much love for northern irish accents its actually unreal <3 perfect end to the evening :)

hmmm so thoughts for today...well i suppose id best write something about yesterday, as to be fair, it was pretty amazing! s was saturday aswell to be honest. fuckit, i'll recap my weekend. so saturday was pretty crappy all day, what with all the stuff with dad and suzette, amongst 'other things', but whatevs, shit happens. the evening was amazing in the end, i went over to jakes, had cuddles with dubsey (the boxer) and watched some crappy tv/movies and chatted with his parents. sounds boring i know, but actually it was really nice :) anyhow, so then i got a phone call from bazz around 11pm, and he came and picked us up, long story short, we spent the entire night driving anywhere and everywhere till about 4am, it was ridiculous but nice at the same time. finally decided it was time to go home, so i stayed at bazz's and he spooned me, cushy.com! i think thats what i was needing, to be spooned for a night and feel safe, id said that since id found out though about dad and s. anyhow, so we were all planning on getting up at 7 and going to alton towers for the day yesterday (i know, 2 and a bit hours sleep, a bit optimistic!), point being, the alarm went off, ignored it, woke up at 10, and then thought fuckit, its too late to be going to alton towers now. sat and pondered what to do fora bit, and decided western might be a fun idea. walked out of bazz's (i think his mum forgot who i was because when i walked out in bazz's traccies and army T she eyed me up and down and was like 'oh hello...' haha! i dont think the sex look hair and messy makeup helped!). anyhow, picked up jake and drove down to western, it was very surreal. i felt like i was meant to be going to porlock as its the same route, and almost said fuckit lets go minehead, but decided i wasnt ready to face it yet and that western was perhaps a better idea, atleast it was one place off the list to face (western). got down there, and for a brief moment i felt like me, completely care free and just absorbed by the atmosphere. the sea, the seagulls, the beach, the fresh air, just how open it all felt. anyhow, went and played arcades, and i found a fiver! winner haha! it went straight back in the machines -_- i did however win a toy dog that said 'grand pier' on it, although no where near as good as all the tokens we've collected! im deffo going to cash them all in at some point! anyways, so it got to half 5 and we thought wed have a go on the go-carts, which was A-MAZING! drifting was hilarious and out of all 3 of us i was the only one who didnt crash, pro driver right there! :P anyways, so we got outside, got a few nice pics (i'll pop my fave one up inna bit) and the sun was setting, the wind was cool, but it was terribly beautiful. i did have a slight sense of deja-vu though. anyhow, so we drove down to the other end of the beach, away fromt the pier and town, and watched the sun go down, parked up on the beach, listening to songs like 'summer paradise'. we were also doing doughnuts and handbrake turns on the sand, it was brilliant! being in that moment took me back to a very safe and very familiar place, i was thoroughly contented, well...almost (obvs there was something missing, but y'know). it also confirmed to me that i deffo want to live by the sea, if i could, id move down there tomorrow. western has never appealed to me, but yesterday brought a new light on it. i think id only want to live there low season though, summer would be manic! decided to drive home, pulled up to a service station, jake was inna grump as per, bazz goes to him 'either cheer up or get out the car and walk home so jake gets out the car....-_- spent a good half hour getting him back in, drove home, but got very lost, ended up in cheltenham, ended up in oxford, ended up in witney, finally found our way to swindon, what a drama! dropped jake home, picked katie and dan up, dropped them home, then got holly. went to the victoria for a bit (some really hippy lesbian got chatting to me, she was amazing!), anyhow, so we left, picked up jake, got some alcohol and went for a drive. somehow ended up down the country lane next to purton (just as you exit purton) lead on the bonnet of the car, watching the stars and drinking, ben-e king -stnad by me on. it was so beautiful, i could have lead stargazing and listening to that song all night (again, something was missing!). finally got in around 3 this morning, and completely crashed out. but all in all, an amazing and incredibly beautiful weekend, its confirmed a few things, and made me let go of a few things, but its also made me miss a hell of a lot of things. either way, good weekend :) i genuinely think i have some of the most loyal, loving and caring friends.

oh and as a another update, hello pink and blue haired hippy girl whos tattoo'd and pierced and wants to own a farm and spends most of her days surfing and at the beach :O

urgh, so its 20 to 5 in the morning, and STILL i cant sleep, im shattered, but genuinely i cant sleep. ive brought tibbs up for cuddles and hes wondering around my room somewhere, he was curled up asleep on my cest unti about five mins ago. ive got the mumford and sons song on, it really chills me out, the guitar is the background is beautiful. i went and got a choco milkshake (little interesting fact right there!), well a slim fast shake, but whatevs, same difference. the wind is howling, the rain pouring, deffo karma being angry for me having a massive fight with a girl tonight. thing is i didnt argue with her, i just belittled her, apparently im sex mad and selfish, i'll hold my hands up and admit to both of those. im not selfish, not all the time, only when it comes to keeping myself sane, and because i didnt want to talk to her that made me selfish apparently? fuck knows. stupid girl. ah well, if i cant sleep im just going to light some candles and incense and take some time watching them. but we'll see eh? ciao x

"but but, this cant happen, theyre the ultimate power couple! like father like daughter eh?"

yes now! this one little statement has brightened my evening so much! :) <3

i feel...numb. i dont know how im meant to feel, i mean I've been through this before, i remember it so clearly, i should be able to deal with this, but i guess its hard to feel ok when you dont know who talk to and you realise this is beyond your control. the funny thing is, the warning signs were there, the distance, but i guess i just figured it was because people were busy. i guess in a way, im so angry, my family fell apart for this, because people decided to lie and cheat, i remember the heartache, i remember waking up, i must have been 3 and a half at the time. i was in bed and i woke up because i could hear shouting and screaming. climbing out of bed (i hate to admit my bed was pretty epic, i had a ladder and everything and my dad had made it for me) i went out onto the landing and carys,danie and joe were all crying, i went into the bathroom and mum and dad were fighting, the glass screen on the bath had been smashed in. danie came and scooped me up, all the while mum screaming at her to call the police. we went downstairs and i remember being so terrified that i threw up on danie and continued to scream. the police woman turned up with a male police officer aswell. she was nice, she was a black woman, maybe in her 30's, curly hair and the most amazing smile. she wore a badge that had a gold star on it. she bent down and tried to talk to me, but i was so shy and upset. mum was sat at the top of the stairs and dad almost pushed her down. the last bit i remember was watching my dad be cuffed and taken away, and then i draw a blank. i know something happened because my next memory is of sorting through my toy box and finding dads stuff, and mum swearing and telling me off, because i wanted to see him. i also remember very clearly a lot of plates and cups being smashed, the constant rows. i remember going outside and accidentally stepping on a shard of pottery and i got it wedged in my foot. joe sat with a pair of tweezers and some vinegar and slowly pulled it out, it hurt a lot! he put a plaster over it and drew a smiley face on it. whilst im thinking of memories, ive suddenly remembered when my hamster died, hammy, i got a day of school i was that distraught! but thats another memory for another time. oh, and painting a half butterfly on one half of a piece of paper, folding it in half and opening it to find it had made a whole butterfly. oh how amazing that was at pre-school! was i the only one who had those corny videos taken? where you sit in the car and they green screen you? i went to disneyland in mine!!! and i was blowing kisses and popping bubbles, and....the car flew!!! oh childhood :') anyhow...so yeah, i guess thats the story of my parents breaking up, it comes to me in flashes, whatever happened in the years after that. i dont remember an awful lot, i guess some pretty traumatic stuff happened because i hardly remember any of it. so now its happening all over again, but more subtle, slower, no arguing, just...numb. and i guess thats harder to deal with than the fights. you fight because you care, you argue because you love that person, but being silent, just slipping? well thats all love vanished.

i adore that song by mumford and sons, i generally love them as a band, but that song really speaks to me. its how i feel, exactly how i feel....

where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart? </3

Can you lie next to her 
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her 
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king 
and say "I'm clean", "I'm Clean"?
But tell me now where was my fault, 
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page 
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now where was my fault, 
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?
Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole lifeoh lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

Ahhhh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahh ahhh ahhhhhh [x4]

no one ever gets under my skin, no one ever gets close enough to do so. im the type of person who will never let someone completely in because it means that if they try to hurt me, im the stronger person that i can say 'fuck you then' and walk away. but you...youre every inch of everything, youre the only person who really knows how to get to me, how to make me happy, how to make me smile, how to deal with me, how to make me angry, how to make me upset, and the funny thing is, you have the capability to switch or trigger any number of these emotions within a matter of seconds. i hate the fact im still tuned in aswell, the fact i still feel your emotions, hear your thoughs and know when you are going to have night terrors, it fucks up my life at times. today is not a good day fellow bloggers, today is a curl up in bed, eat junk food and feel like shit day. ciao x

"The Kill"

What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do? (Oh, oh)
What if I fell to the floor
Couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do, do, do?
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you

What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

Ah, ah
Oh, oh
Ah, ah

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you, you, you.
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)
Break me down (bury me, bury me)

(You say you wanted more)
What if I wanted to break...?
(What are you waiting for?)
Bury me, bury me
(I'm not running from you)
What if I
What if I
What if I
What if I
Bury me, bury me

theres low, and then there is taking it too far. so last summer this whole drama kicked off because i was talking to 'a girl' on a website and she was menna do a photoshoot for me. at the time she was apparently from london etc, and she tried to take things a little bit too far, i boyed it off, but y'now. so anyhow, i log back onto this website, and suddenly it dawns on me that i was right all along, or if i wasnt, its someone playing a seriously sick joke. so 'this girl', shes 19, alternative hairstyle, blue eyes, automotive trade, and now apparently lives in wiltshire. the fucked up thing is, shes got your pic as her display picture, which kinda makes me go, hold on, i was right, it was you. it all adds up aswell, her name being shane2469= shane-(you) 2/4-(your birthday) 69(my number) oh how original. anyhow, its all very well trying to catch me out last summer, it didnt work. as if it is you, you know full well i boyed 'her' off. but messaging me on the 20th of feb, being like 'hey stranger, havent spoken to you in a while ;)' is a whole other kettle of fish. i mean its either someone playing a really sick joke, or you being a headfuck and trying to get me to creep last year, although why youd still message me now and make it that obvious is beyond me. either way, neither really worked. if it was to catch me creeping, then why do it? were you that insecure about how i felt about you that you wanted to see if id do it? you knew how inlove with you i was. and if its someone else, then thats just fucked up and sick to be honest. rahhh, people do my head in! not once did i cheat on you or go behind your back, you know this, i could have, after everything that happened, and i know you feared i would, but funnily enough, despite all the shit, i didnt, because im loyal and i wanted you and only you.  id quite like to understand whats going on at some point!

im at a crossroads right now, fight or flight. ive suddenly hit a major low, as my previous post stated, and that familiar craving is back, and im angry at myself for it. i know that i can sleep it off and i'll be fine in the morning, but i hate feeling like ive let myself down by having urges. this is the first time its happened since kc, but im still so angry at myself. this is what happens, when i remember. it slips me into a very bad place, it reminds me of how heart-broken i am and it makes me feel like im suffocating, like i need to find a way to escape it. im angry at myself for being upset over you, im angry at myself for caring, because i know that you really couldnt give two shits, youve gone with the wind and not looked back, so why do i care? why do i care for someone who doesnt care for me? a new girls come along, Chelsea, i mean, shes pretty cool, and we get on like a house on fire, shes a hippy aswell and lives like shes in the 60s, dancing and all. shes like me, she'd rather be listening to elvis or the dirty dancing soundtrack, that all this modern day crap. shes even a big spoon! i mean its all pretty cool with her, and potentially a new relationship, but we'll see. but shes not you. far from it. maybe thats a good thing? i think i made that mistake with kc, i was with her because i saw you in her, she was familiar, safe, and when i lost her, it genuinely hurt. i knew walking away was the best thing, but i did care for her, and i was falling for her, slowly i might add, but i know it wasnt healthy. i dont think i was falling for her as a person, i mean i got treated like shit by her, but maybe i was craving that, craving for someone to take advantage, i was in that rougher place, that the blood play seemed like a good idea at the time. it filled her need for blood, and it filled my need to feel something, to feel alive. when i hit a real low, cutting for me isnt about the pain, its about seeing the blood pouring out, and it reminding me of how very alive i am, and it wakes me up, gives me a release. but i dont want to slip back to that, i don't want to be that person again. im on a new spiritual journey at the moment, so we'll see how that goes.  i accidentally starved myself for 48 hours over the last few days, not because i meant to, but because i was feeling so stressed and upset, i forgot to eat. i was fine, up until all the shit kicked off last night and the previous day, and then i just forgot i was hungry, didnt eat all day today or yesterday, and actually felt really good when i looked down and saw how flat my stomach was looking. then finally remembered i was hungry at like 9pm tonight. its happening again though...the hating myself for having weight on me, but its not a depressive thing this time, its just about feeling comfortable in my own body. i know youd be dissapointed in me for dropping off weight, but i hate the fact i cant see my hip bones, i hate how fat i feel. i know if anything, i need to put some weight on, but i can't. i remember buying that red corset and it being so so tight, now even when its as tight as it goes....its still loose. i miss my long hair, i miss being so thin, i miss my mask. because atleast then i didnt have to answer how i was, everyone just saw me as the skinny mini barbie doll girlfriend.  rahhh, lifes so confusing and emotional. "fucked up frankie" hey?

i still sometimes get those moments when i die a little bit inside when i think of you having a future with someone else, right now is one of those moments, and my heart feels like its being torn apart and im welling up. this is why i dont like remembering, why i dont like to think of you or remember the emotions i felt, because it causes this to happen, for me to feel heart-broken. i suddenly thought of marriage, of everything we had planned for our wedding, and it flashed like some whirlwind through my head, and in that moment, i saw you, i saw you stood there, proud and smiling away, stood waiting for me. and that hurts, it hurts to remember. if only you realised how much i long for it to be like that. and do you know something funny? when i do marry someone else, i know i'll be stood there looking at them, and there will be this tiny part of me, that wishes it was you. and it hurts more, to realise that my life was so complete, and within a second, you stole it away and my world came crashing down around me. it reminds me of a green screen, where you can live in a fantasy, but the moment someone switches off the power, youre left stood in an empty room, all by yourself. im not sure i will ever love again the way i loved you. the hardest part is knowing that whilst i still love you, youre inlove with her. i know im always going to hold a place in your heart, and you'll never stop caring, but its not the same as you being mine.

so im having a random memory moment, and ones just come racing back to me. freya and i were discussing strokes and calling ambulances, and it reminded me of 2 things. first off it reminded me of when you electrocuted yourself with the plug, i had gone to the bathroom, next thing i hear is you scream, the most sickening sound i have ever heard, and im yelling at you, trying to find out if you are ok. run into the living room, and youre fitting on the floor, i dont know if i can touch you, so instead i call an ambulance, and the woman on the phone directs me how to help you as i try to calm youre breathing. eventually the paramedic arrives (the lady we met at lydiard), she does a load of tests and gets you stable. turns out youre ok, you just electrocuted yourself with full voltage. i get you into bed and cuddle you, i dont think ive ever been so scared.  thinking about this also triggers a lot of memories about hospital trips, for your asthma, your arms (how you injured them so many times i'll never know), your cramps.

anyways, my next memory is that of when my breathing fucked up. do you remember? i couldnt stop coughing and i was struggling to breathe, i tried so hard to convince you i was fine, but you knew better, you called out a paramedic. he came out and was charming as ever, checked my breathing, by which point i really was struggling. he sent us to the doctors in chippenham (i think), and we spent ages sat in the waiting room, me slipping in and out of consciousness and eventually being told i had a severe chest infection that was causing it. but i remember being so scared, i hate not being able to breathe, but you calmed me down, made me feel safe and held me. thats a happy memory, not because of what happened, but because i knew that you cared that much for my wellbeing that you stayed up until near on 3 am with me, driving me round and helping me. we then went to maccies after, and had our usual orders. me: chicken nugget happy meal with a strawberry milkshake and a double cheeseburger, you: sweet chilli chicken wrap meal (hold the cucumber!) with a diet coke and a mayo chicken (hold the salad!).

its silly things i keep remembering, but things that make me smile. anyways, i hope by reading this you remember. i hope by me jotting these memories down, i will slowly be able to piece it all back together and write the book, because right now its a massive jumble in my head.

I am created by Divine Light
I am sustained by Divine Light
I am protected by Divine Light
I am surrounded by Divine Light
I am ever growing into Divine Light! 

Do It Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind,
People may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful,
You will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light,
not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory
of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
— Marianne Williamson 

why is it always fall for the same tricks, fucking guilt trips, i hate them! rahhhhh! no more!  FUCK SAKE FRANKIE!

so i guess this is the end of my blog... the end of the book...the end of it all. time to pull out the albums and fill them with every photo, put everything in a box, every memory, every moment, seal it and say goodbye. i failed at being an author, i failed at writing the book, because when i left it and then came back to it, i could no longer write. the end of the blog, because i guess i have nothing more to write, nothing more to say. i mean, its not really read by anyone anymore, and i just seem to ramble. last time i closed a blog it was when i was saying goodbye to someone else. i kept  blog all throughout the relationship, but when we broke up, i deleted it, and with it deleted all the memories. i guess thats what im doing now, erasing the memories, erasing the emotions, because i cant handle them anymore. i cant keep missing you or hurting over you. ive already started to suppress the memories because it hurts to re-visit them. maybe 5/10 years i'll be able to open your box and look through the memories and odd bits and bobs that ive collected and smile at them, rather than looking at them and breaking down. i hate putting people in boxes, it feels like such a morbid thing to do, but i guess its time to say goodbye.

i love this for a number of reasons, a)because it cracked me up and is so true
b) because johnny depp is perhaps the most beautiful man alive!
(and thats from a lesbian!)

i sat and cracked up at this, it reminds me of when i try
to splash my face with water and i do that stupid spluttering
thing that we used to crack up at, and me being in the shower
acting like i was on the herbal essences advert. good times!

so very very true!

An 11 year old realized that she had started to grow hair in between her legs. She had gotten worried and asked her mommy about the hair. Her mommy calmly said "that part where the hair has grown is called a Monkey, be proud that your Monkey had grown hair." Next morning, at breakfast she told her sister "my monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said "that's nothing! mine is already eating bananas." Her mom fainted. LMFAO.. 

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there's just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I'll get up again
Don't count me out just yet

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

They can say that
I won't stay around
But I'm gonna stand my ground
You're not gonna stop me
You don't know me
You don't know who I am
Don't count me out so fast

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I'm down now
But I'll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I'm gonna show you all what I'm made of

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

No no
I'm not going nowhere
I'm staying right here
Oh no
You won't see me begging
I'm not taking my bow
Can't stop me
It's not the end
You haven't seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven't seen the last of me
You haven't seen the last of me

i want one please!

there was a time, when i thought this is how life would be,
going to the theatre, balls, living our old romance dream.
i have so much love for this photo, the night we went to
see KJ.

this songs very true to my heart, and very beautiful.

so yeah, im sorry i havent blogged in a while, things have been kinda hectic. so updates...i have a full time job, i did an amazing photoshoot with holly, along with a few other shoots. im off to meet 'shane' next week, going for coffee and at some point she'll be doing a photoshoot for me. so very excited! anyone else get the impression though that im going to be played like a bitch? fuckit, its shane, she can play me all she likes! im hopefully going to a rope workshop tomorrow, that'll be interesting, but i need to learn how to do it for my photography especially after attempting it the other night and getting thoroughly confused! anyways, other news...erm...well jakes now left (thank god as he left the place in a state), holly's here for the weekend and mums back tomorrow i think? apart from that, lifes doing alright, i mean, its not fun constantly being stuck in a 'dom' mindset, but hey, tying someone up and binding them might sort that a bit tomorrow, we'll see eh? anyhow, thats all for now.

ciao x