so im writing our book, you know, like i promised. i hope to get it published, to get famous and make a load of money off it, then i can buy the farm we hoped for, and have my land, down by the sea. i hope to have it finished by your birthday, thats what i want to give you. i dont want you to forget, because i sure as hell can't.

still thinking about you, i dont think im capable of falling out of love with you or not loving you. i want you back, every day i long or you and hope for you to come and hold me. i long for our future, long for you i just want my girl back

today is christmas day, i spent half of my day crying over you, and the other half thinking about you...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

'It's like you screaming, and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing, no one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.'

I feel you slipping away each and every day, my own insecurities are my worst enemy. Whether you are drifting away from me or not, I'm pushing you away because of my own doubts in myself. I cannot even describe the pain or even imagining my life without you, nevermind actually feeling us becoming less and less close. I adore you with every single piece of my heart. I'm selfish, and I'd say I just want you to be happy whatever happens, but that wouldn't be telling the truth. I want to be the one to make you smile and laugh every single day, I want to be the one to wake up next to you each morning and the one who is able to be there for you. I want to be the one which you would show off to your friends. I'm lost without you baby. 

I love you.

how can you go from wanting to marry me and us being engaged, to you never wanting to talk to me again and completely forgetting me? because i havent forgotten you....

helen,

minutes are turning into hours, hours are turning into days, and days are turning into weeks. and yet i hardly notice. im like a living zombie. i wake up every morning and pull on some clothes, try and do my makeup and head off to college. im meant to concentrate when im there, but instead i spend most of my time sat in jo's office with a cup of tea, crying my eyes out and shaking. when i get home, i end up shut up in my bedroom just trying to write our story, or just sat int he corner, huddled up in a blanket crying. im struggling to eat again, i look tired, i look ill. people pay me attention, and yet i push them away, i dont want peoples attention, i dont want people to tell me to just move on. i just want to be on my own. every night i fall asleep and look forward to it, because i know i will have a dream about you and that you will be there, the old us, happy and so inlove. and then something happens and i black out, and all i know is that i wake up screaming, shaking and crying. when that happens i know that my dream was just a dream, and infact the reality of it all is that you are gone. i cant be without you. im a complete state. this isnt just love, this is being madly and truly in love. this isnt even being heartbroken anymore, this is my soul being destroyed. i feel nothing, i dont feel pain, i dont feel upset, i dont feel happy. nothing. just a blur. i drift a lot, try to forget, to try tell myself that i can do this alone. but i cant. i cant be without you, ive lost my soulamte, my missing puzzle piece. without you i am nothing. without me, you are everything. but im falling apart, i wish i could just run away and forget it all, have a new chance in life. but im stuck here, feeling like this and feeling like an empty box.

i miss you baby, so unbeleiveably much. i just feel lost. i feel alone. i feel forgotten. i feel incomplete. i feel unloved. i feel unwanted. i feel useless. i feel nothing but my soul drifting away. i dont dance anymore, i dont sing, i dont play guitar anymore and i hardly smile or laugh. when i do, its a fake smile or a fake laugh, just to try and convince others im ok. and when im with other people, i can manage it. but its when im alone, it really hits me.

i look forward to falling asleep because i know you'll be there waiting for me. i just wish you were there in real life. i cant go on without you, im nothing without you.

i miss you baby, and i love you more than life itself.
your freya xxx

feeling very nervous and sick today and i dont know why. i dont know if its because im waiting for you to get in contact and worried that youre not bothered anymore or what, or if its because ive got a hell of a lot of college work to do. im not really sure, all i know is that id much rather just get back in bed today, curl up and go to sleep. i want to cry, today is going to be one of those days. i want to forget all about it.

i have a lot going round in my head, i regret what i said the other night, because now im feeling more lost than ever, but im also so hurt by what you've done. you said you would try and come to my birthday, but you've deliberately arranged to go to brighton on my birthday, what are you even doing in brighton?! and the funny thing is, im so angry, hurt and upset by you, and im allowing you destroy me, but i cant walk away, i love you too much to do so. thats whats hurting most about this. i dont know how youre feeling, what youre thinking or what exactly it is you want me to do. ive stuck by my promises, im waiting for you, i havent smoked weed and im back at college, im doing everything right, im doing everything you asked, but still im getting no-where. help? :'(

my dearest helen...

my dearest helen, 

                            this is perhaps one of the hardest things to write, as i know it will probably be my last letter to you. im sat crying as i write this, but i know it needs to be done, i know i need to let go. im not bitter anymore, for you have shown me what love was and gave me an amazing year of my life, one that i shall never forget and one that shall cherish for the rest of my life. but i have a feeling this shall be the last time i love, for i could not go through this pain again. you have my heart, and i think you always will, for there is no one i could ever see myself with except you. but if i cant be with you, i dont want to be with anyone. i think that there shall always be a very soft spot for you in my heart, one that will always long for what was, but i have come to realise that that is over. not because i want it to be, but because that is what you have decided, and i know i must respect that.

i hope that you will hold a little piece of me in your heart, and take me wherever you go. i hope you find all you hope to in life and that one day you shall love again, thats what i want for you. i want you to fall in love again. do me a favour my baby, promise me you'll fall in love again? promise me you'll have the family you dreamed of, and promise me you'll value every day with them. take me with you, even if its just a small piece of you. and please understand that i shall never forget you, nor shall i ever stop loving you. this isn't something that i want to do, its something i have to do, because i cannot hurt anymore. 

im sat here laughing and crying at the same time, laughing because im remembering all the good times, but crying because i know its the end. ive held on for the past few weeks to the hope that you would come back, that some part of you would remember what was and come back. but that hasnt happened, and i understand now that i wasnt enough or couldnt give you something that you needed. 

i have so many fond memories, the day i met you and couldn't wait to see you again, telling you you wouldnt remember my name. the countless places we drove to, the amazing car journeys as we sang along to our favourite songs.  the night you proposed to me in amy's bedroom, getting down on one knee and me being completely in shock but so overwhelmed. that was one of the happiest memories and moments of my life. our first christmas together, our first flat together, buying cody and him becoming our child. i could list memories all day, and its stupid little things that stick in my head. like the night we spent in the hotel and got to be close properly for the first time, having orange juice in the morning and wondering what the other guests would think after we had had rather noisy sex haha! dont forget my darling, if you cannot promise me anything else, just promise me you won't forget the good times. take care of bear, give him lots of cuddles for him and take good care of him as he grows up. im going to miss you both so so much and i love you both unconditionally. he needs his mum now, so please take good care of him and make sure he doesnt eat too many pairs of underwear! 

i wont forget our dreams of the future, how we planned to have our farm, our children, our wedding. we had everything planned, do you remember? how i wanted a water birth, how i wanted you to be the first person to hold our baby, to cut the cord and how you were going to be the one to make me pregnant. yes, they are very special memories indeed. i dont think you realise how much it hurts me to do this, and i dont think you'll realise for a long time. but i know i have to let go, because ive lost hope, those fantasies of the future are slowly slipping away.

i guess theres not a lot more that i can say really, i really do wish you happiness, love and contentment. im so sorry for everything and i know that atleast now you can be free. i love you my darling, with every inch of my heart and soul. im going to miss you and our little man more than one can ever describe. 

take care, i'll be seeing you

freya

xxx

maybe the last post...

really cannot be fucked with this anymore, ive chased you and chased you, and still im getting nothing back. and do you know what? im tired of it now, im tired of remembering what was and what i hoped would be, because evidently its not going to be like that. I've poured my heart out to you and shown you exactly how i feel, and you give me nothing back. thats not how break up's work, surely if you wanted me you would have made the effort by now. i was a fool to think you'd come back, but its you who is the fool for thinking im going to carry on chasing you. evidently what we had wasnt that important to you, otherwise youd be fighting for it as much as i am.but you're not are you? you give me shit and have put me through hell these past few weeks. well enough is enough, i cant chase you anymore. its your turn, if you ever decide that you actually want to make the effort. but its not going to be easy for you, because youve pushed me to a point now where i just want to give up. you can be so selfish at times, and youve had this easier than me because you were the one who chose to walk away. you left with your stuff, moved back home and didnt make an effort with me, and left with me the pieces to pick up, financially and emotionally. you didnt have to watch me walk away, because you chose to leave, so now you can watch me walk away. im sick of putting in the effort, im sick of crying every night, im sick of waiting every day for you to contact me, im sick of chasing you! if you wanted to make the effort you would have by now. im not a toy, im not there to be messed around with, im a real person, with real feelings and real emotions. but thankyou for the last few weeks, its taught me a lot. its taught me not to love, because loves a bitch. everyone says there different, YOU said you were different, you promised never to leave me, but youre exactly the same as the rest of them, you only want when it suits you. i love you a hell of a lot, but i refuse to hurt anymore or chase you because all its doing is giving you the satisfaction that im still there. you have yet to deal with the feeling of losing me, because youd had my attention the whole time. well enough is enough, if you care and actually want me, make the effort, because pretty soon its going to be too late. you know what, i already think it is too late. have a nice life, im sorry i made your life hell, but im not sorry for what was. because to me it was amazing. but im not sorry for walking away now, because im tired of fighting and holding onto someone who has made it very clear that they meant a lot more to me than i did to them. if i did mean a lot to you, then why are you doing this? why are you being stubborn and selfish? why are you watching me hurt? infact, dont answer that because i dont care anymore. i gave you a chance to show me you cared, and youve failed to do so, youve shown your true colours and shown how very little i actually mean to you. so i wish you well with your future and i hope you find everything you are looking for, i hope you find the right girl to have a family with, and i hope you are happy. i mean that with the upmost genuineness, i want you to be happy, and evidently thats not with me. if you decide you want me, you know where i am, but i wont make it easy for you, because youve made my life hell over the past few weeks, youve watched me hurt and fall apart, and just ignored it. like i said, im not a toy there for as and when it suits you, if you want me, then take me and show me you want me, but dont be how you have been. i cant do this anymore, i cant keep fighting for you. goodbye my love x

yes l love you and yes  i miss you, but you hurt me badly last night, to the point of tears.

  .  .  . its raining in my heart, even the heavens weep for you </3

As long as you love me

As long as you love me

As long as you love me

I'm under pressure, seven billion people in the world trying to fit in

Keep it together, smile on your face even though your heart is frowning

But hey now, don't know girl, we both know what to do

But I will take my chances...

As long as you love me, we could be starving,

We could be homeless, we could be broke

As long as you love me i'll be your platinum, i'll be your silver, i'll be your gold

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

I'll be your soldier, fighting every second of the day for the change girl

I'll be your Hova, you can be my Destiny's Child on a stinger

So don't stress, don't cry, oh we don't need no wings to fly

Just take my hand

As you love me we could be starving,

We could be homeless, we could be broke

As long as you love me i'll be your platinum, i'll be your silver, i'll be your gold

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

I don't know if this make sense

You're my hallelujah

Give me a time and place, i'll rendez-vous

I'll fly it to ya, i'll meet you there

Girl you know I got you

Us, trust, a couple things I can't spell without you

Now we on top of the world

Cause that's just how we do it

Used to tell me sky's the limit

Now the skies are point of view, view, view

Now we stepping out like woah

Cameras point at you, ask me what's best side

I'll stand back and point at you, you, you

The one that I argue with,

Feel like I need a new girl to be bothered with

But the grass ain't always greener on the other side

It's greener where the water is

So I know, know, we got issues baby, true true true

But I rather work on this with you

Then go ahead and start with someone new

As you love me we could be starving

We could be homeless, we could be broke

As long as you love me i'll be your platinum, i'll be your silver, i'll be your gold

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

i have this little fantasy

i have this little fantasy,

a dream of such i suppose, 

that tonight you pull me to your body,

hold me tight and close.

i have this little fantasy,

i imagine all the time,

that for one more fleeting magical moment,

i could call you mine.

i have this little fantasy, 

that you come back to me,

whisper to me that you love me,

and that you belong with me.

i have this little fantasy,

we're back on porlock weir,

your cuddling me and loving me,

forgetting all my fear.

i have this little fantasy,

that we're walking down aisle,

im walking up to meet you,

grinning as you smile.

i have this little fantasy,

we're living on our farm,

darcey, skylar, ivy and carter,

we're walking arm in arm.

i have this little fantasy,

our grandchildren on your knee,

and your smiling at me, beaming,

as we're playing by the sea.

i have this little fantasy,

that we're old and grey and wise,

that we're cuddled up just like we used to,

the love thats in your eyes.

i have this little fantasy,

thats all it is to you, 

a fairytale, a fading hope,

of when it was me and you.

missing you

i could write you a poem, 

i could write you a song,

i could write you a letter,

i could call you all night long.

i could send you a rose,

i could send you a treat,

i could send you a present,

or should i scream defeat?

i could shower you in kisses,

i could whisper you my fears,

i could beg for you to love me,

but its falling on deaf ears.

every night i cry for you,

long for you to hold me, 

long to feel your arms around me,

long to know you love me. 

but all these gestures,

are not enough to show,

how much i really love you,

and how i miss you so.

you see i try to tell myself im stupid,

that we will work out in the end,

but all these sleepless, lonely nights,

drive me round the bend.

so my darling i beg of you,

to tell me through and through, 

do you really miss me,

as much as I miss you?

yes i still think of you. yes i still love you. yes i miss you. yes it hurts when you are blunt with me. yes it hurts that i dont think you miss me. yes i miss our intimate times. yes i miss your voice. yes im still inlove with you. yes id wait for forever for you. yes im crazy when im inlove. yes i fuck up at times. yes i can be a bitch. but never ever forget, that i get angry, upset, crazy and emotional, but its only because i care, its only because i love you with every inch of my heart and soul. i can be selfish, insecure and brash at times, but its only because im so terrified of losing you. im so inlove with you, but im so terrified of being hurt. do you love me? do you care? do you think of me as much as i think of you? do you miss me? do you dream of me?

one day i'l be gone, one day i'll be buried in the ground. will you think of me then? or will i just be a distant memory? im not going to sit here and lie, i might act like a bitch, i might get angry, but every night i cry thinking of you, every night i huddle myself up in bed, wrapping my arms around myself, wishing it was you holding me. do you do that? do you imagine me holding you? kissing you? loving you? do you even care? or am i just a memory, something thats no longer in your mind. am i just missing someone who no longer loves me? i get attention off people, but all the while, i sit thinking, youre not my girl, you cant make me feel how she does, i could never love you the way i love her. id never be happy. without you, i am not completely happy, i feel incomplete.

i honestly couldnt care less if my guy came today and swallowed me up whole. i feel depressed, very very depressed. and all i want to hear is your voice, re-assuring me, cheering me up. all i want is for you to hold me, scoop me up and rock me, tell me its going to be ok and that im not alone. i havent had to deal with these major lows yet, today is the first one. but i feel like ive been hit by a ton of bricks, no energy, constantly crying and just feeling like all i want to do is get back into bed and forget about today.

mums pushing for me to get jobs sorted, but i dont think she realises how hard it is, how hard im struggling with it all. i dont think you realise how much im struggling. the only thing thats keeping me going right now, is knowing that at some point i shall see you, and you shall hug me and hold me, and in the splitting second, i shall feel safe and whole again. thats the thing, youre my soulmate, you really are, you complete me and without you here i feel like im missing a limb, i dont function propperly. i cant function without you, i can power on and try my best, but without you im nothing. it just reminds me of that song, you know the one about being "youre the song on the radio". thats us, we're each other. i just hope that in some miracle way, we are like the couples out of the movies, where we have a dispute, seperate for a bit, but our loves bonds us and brings  us back together, i hope you can see that the way i do. i want you, all of you, and im sorry for how much i fucked up, but i want to change that, and i wont stop fighting for you. please my missing puzzle piece, come back, because without you, im nothing but an empty shell, im incomplete. i love you more than you are ever going to know. i will never. ever. stop loving you, even if it kills me.

dont forget what was and still is, this is how i remember us, so so madly
 inlove. i miss you baby, and id do anything for you to be mine again.

the hardest thing i have come to realise, is that you loved me more than anything, gave me everything, and took nothing. and what did i give you? a failure to trust you, and ultimately, drove you away. i want to change, i need to change. i need you. and i dont think you realise that i really would do anything to call you mine again <3

hope youvehad a good evening, and i mean that genuinely,im glad youve got chance to catch-up with friends. im looking forward to talking to you again soon, time for bed for me now though. good night my angel, i love you more than you will ever know. your freya xxx

you make me so angry sometimes.

up, down, up, down...thats all it seems to be right now. one minute i can forget what im feeling, feel normal and ok, the next, im crying again and im verging on having a panick attack. but this time, you arent there to slow it, or stop it. just feeling a bit meh at the moment, i just need to know where i stand, if you love me and want me to wait, tell me, if youre letting go, tell me, but dont leave me in the dark. i went to college today and start back next week, not sure how to feel, i think its going to be stressful, brett wants to help me but it means facing loads of people. just feeling a bit lost :/

feeling let down

woken up this morning to feel very let down, let down by someone who i thought would always be there, who loved me enough to say that they knew i needed time but it wasnt the end, that they loved me enough not to walk away. i dont think they realise how much i love them and how much im determined to become the person they fell inlove with. i miss that person. i miss how care free i was, how easy everything was, how easy we were. before the lies, and before the hurt, before things got meg fucked up. and yet all thats going round in my head is the memories of the good times, and bit by bit, more and more of them are coming back. her dancing around the fire at the yard as we started to strip it and decorate it for bailey, or the time holly came to stay and we decided to play just dance, with holly's crazy dancing that we video'd. but most of all, i remember the closeness. the nights we spent cuddled up, the nights i cried to her and she just held me and wiped way my tears, that was a time when i felt safe. i remember the intense sex we had, the passion, the love. how we worshipped each others bodies, kissed each others skin, tasted each other, the passion and love we saw in one anothers eyes as we made love. to us, it wasnt sex, sex is just a fuck, it was making love.

we had all these plans, about how i was going to have a water birth, how she was going to cut the chord and be the first one to gaze into our babies eyes and see our family coming together. we planned that she was going to make me pregnant, she was going to be the one to do it. how we couldnt wait to go to that beautiful little church down in porlock, and say our vows to one another. me in my lacy sleeved dress, her in her white suit. the way we looked at each other, the way she welled up as i walked down the aisle. the moment we had that slow intense first kiss as a married couple.

these memories and thoughts are hard, because right now, thats all they are, memories, and for the first time, i cant control whether thats all they are going to be or not, or whether theyre going to become a reality. i know that right now, we both need space, because there is so much hurt and upset. we need time to get past that, to fix ourselves. maybe as we start to meet up again, we can learn to build it up again, i dont know. i dont know what she wants right now, but i cant push for that. so im going to sit and wait, wait for her to contact me, wait for her to tell me she loves me. until that point, i'll march on, soldier on, hoping that one day my baby shall return, and realise that i love and miss her dearly. i just hope she doesnt forget what was and what was meant to be. what we had was incredible, we are perfectly matched, something thats rare and beautiful. you dont often find someone who completes you the way we complete each other, i just hope that in time, she too comes to realise this, comes to realise that she needs me as much as i need her. together we can do anything. after all "we may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

right, enough. im going to give you your space and wait for you to come to me, i keep trying to chase you and you throw it back in my face, guess im not that important to you. 

so ive really hit a low all of a sudden, i feel like im going to cry again. i was feeling ok, i got up, did my hair, my make-up, had some breakfast and did my teeth. was feeling up to being productive today. now i just feel flat again and all i want to do is curl up in bed and cry and hold her jumper that she left. everything still smells of her, everything is reminding me of her, bringing back all the memories, bringing back just quite how much i love her. but most of all, how much i miss her. and the funny thing is, the thing i miss most of all is her smile and feeling her there, the way her skin feels, the way she can light up an entire room just by smiling. thats the amazing thing about her, no matter what, she never fails to bring life and happiness to people. she just has this air about her, one that you cant help but love.  i love everything about my bubba g, her eyes, her smile, the way she walks the way she talks, but most of all, how kind, caring and loving she is. she makes me feel safe, she makes me feel whole. so when she isnt here, and we arent talking, i no longer feel whole, i feel empty and lost, like a massive chunk of me is missing. its stupid little things, like the fact im meant to be on anti-biotics, something shed normally remind me to do, and yet ive forgotten to take them. its the little things im missing. i was mega ill yesterday, and she spent the whole time looking after me and making sure i was ok. normally id look to her for advice, shes my other half,but now i cant ask for advice, because i dont think she knows herself. i think we're both feeling as lost as each other. but the ignoring is what destroys me, it confuses me, i dont know what shes feeling or thinking. if its making her feel so terrible, why is she doing this? why isnt she trying to talk to me about it? she should be able to, she knows i care and i love her deeply, she knows i wont stop fighting for her, so why is she pushing me away? arghhh its all just so confusing, someone help? :/ mum doesnt really know what to do with me, she keeps giving me odd jobs to do to keep me busy, but im just generally a mess, ok one minute, crying the next. oh helen, please realise how much this is killing me, please talk to me.

so now we've got to the point where you are ignoring me...if i bbm you or call you you dont reply, and it hurts a hell of a lot. i just want to hear your voice, i just want to talk. but you wont, you dont want to. what are you scared of? are you trying to distance yourself from me so that it doesnt hurt a much? youre my everything, we never not talk, so whats going on? do you not need to hear me as much as i need to hear you?

arghhh these emotions are overwhelming, one minute im crying, the next im angry, the next i feel like i have to pace the room because i dont know what im feeling. its all so confusing, i dont think ive ever felt so out of control with my emotions. slowly working through todays jobs and ive now not smoked weed in 3 days. i know that doesnt sound like a lot, but for me, it is. im having to face my emotions and deal with them, rather than hide from them. time for some breakfast, lets hope it stays down!

freya "ermmm, what kind of places do you like?xx"

 helen "anywhere at all.. as long as im with you im really not bothered"  

- this is how i remember us, before the lies, before the hurt and upset, when we were falling for each other so quickly and deeply. i love you baby, dont give up on the good times. 

:)"

this little man is my ray of sunshine amongst the dark clouds <3

feeling very lost

so right now im feeling very confused, i think you love me, but if you love me, why are you putting me through this? why are you causing me this pain and watching it happen? i couldnt sleep last night without you, i kept having bad dreams every time i tried to sleep, and then my guy would appear at the end of the bed, just watching me, haunting me. he's back. when you were here, he rarely appeared, i felt safe, now wherever i look, he's there.

what if you dont love me anymore? what wasnt good enough? i try to be everything people want me to be and try to please people, but i guess i fucked up on that front. you made me feel so so special and loved, and now, you are hardly talking to me. it confuses me, im almost scared to tell you i love you, incase you dont love me anymore, incase you dont come back. i feel sick with the worry. you promised you wouldn't leave, that youd always be there because you were different to the others, yet you've left aswell. i thought we had something amazing together, that nothing would ever tear us apart, you are my world baby, and i feel so empty and lost without you. i don't think i can do this without you, i really cant. i need you, more than you realise. im so so scared, i just want you to scoop me up in your arms and hold me, tell me its all going to be ok, that you still love me and want me, that this whole moving away was a huge mistake and that you need me as much as i need you. but what if you don't? what if your life is a lot easier without me, that i was a burden.

when i first met you i feel for you immediately, and the last year has been incredible. so why am i hurting so much now? i feel like ive lost you for forever. my heart feels in a million pieces, i feel alone, unsafe, unloved. i just want you back. i need you to hold me and cuddle me in our special way, where we intwine our legs and arms and just hold each other close. i want you to stroke my hair and look in my eyes like you do, and tell me its all going to be ok, that you love me and miss me as much as im missing you.

you never realise what you have until its gone, and ive never completely understood that, but now i do. my world is falling apart, im falling apart. i need you, and i dont think you realise that. im scared that i'll sort my life out, and even when i do, you still wont want me. i need you to be here to hold me, i need you. i need you...

oh baby, i dont think you realise how much this is destroying me, ive not slept and i keep crying. all i want to do is get on a train and rush to see you. but i know thats not what you want, you need space. but the pain we're both feeling, is it really worth it? its harder to be without you, than deal with the arguments. what if you dont love me anymore, what if you dont need me? im so so scared helen :'(