my dearest helen...

my dearest helen, 

                            this is perhaps one of the hardest things to write, as i know it will probably be my last letter to you. im sat crying as i write this, but i know it needs to be done, i know i need to let go. im not bitter anymore, for you have shown me what love was and gave me an amazing year of my life, one that i shall never forget and one that shall cherish for the rest of my life. but i have a feeling this shall be the last time i love, for i could not go through this pain again. you have my heart, and i think you always will, for there is no one i could ever see myself with except you. but if i cant be with you, i dont want to be with anyone. i think that there shall always be a very soft spot for you in my heart, one that will always long for what was, but i have come to realise that that is over. not because i want it to be, but because that is what you have decided, and i know i must respect that.

i hope that you will hold a little piece of me in your heart, and take me wherever you go. i hope you find all you hope to in life and that one day you shall love again, thats what i want for you. i want you to fall in love again. do me a favour my baby, promise me you'll fall in love again? promise me you'll have the family you dreamed of, and promise me you'll value every day with them. take me with you, even if its just a small piece of you. and please understand that i shall never forget you, nor shall i ever stop loving you. this isn't something that i want to do, its something i have to do, because i cannot hurt anymore. 

im sat here laughing and crying at the same time, laughing because im remembering all the good times, but crying because i know its the end. ive held on for the past few weeks to the hope that you would come back, that some part of you would remember what was and come back. but that hasnt happened, and i understand now that i wasnt enough or couldnt give you something that you needed. 

i have so many fond memories, the day i met you and couldn't wait to see you again, telling you you wouldnt remember my name. the countless places we drove to, the amazing car journeys as we sang along to our favourite songs.  the night you proposed to me in amy's bedroom, getting down on one knee and me being completely in shock but so overwhelmed. that was one of the happiest memories and moments of my life. our first christmas together, our first flat together, buying cody and him becoming our child. i could list memories all day, and its stupid little things that stick in my head. like the night we spent in the hotel and got to be close properly for the first time, having orange juice in the morning and wondering what the other guests would think after we had had rather noisy sex haha! dont forget my darling, if you cannot promise me anything else, just promise me you won't forget the good times. take care of bear, give him lots of cuddles for him and take good care of him as he grows up. im going to miss you both so so much and i love you both unconditionally. he needs his mum now, so please take good care of him and make sure he doesnt eat too many pairs of underwear! 

i wont forget our dreams of the future, how we planned to have our farm, our children, our wedding. we had everything planned, do you remember? how i wanted a water birth, how i wanted you to be the first person to hold our baby, to cut the cord and how you were going to be the one to make me pregnant. yes, they are very special memories indeed. i dont think you realise how much it hurts me to do this, and i dont think you'll realise for a long time. but i know i have to let go, because ive lost hope, those fantasies of the future are slowly slipping away.

i guess theres not a lot more that i can say really, i really do wish you happiness, love and contentment. im so sorry for everything and i know that atleast now you can be free. i love you my darling, with every inch of my heart and soul. im going to miss you and our little man more than one can ever describe. 

take care, i'll be seeing you

freya

xxx