feeling let down

woken up this morning to feel very let down, let down by someone who i thought would always be there, who loved me enough to say that they knew i needed time but it wasnt the end, that they loved me enough not to walk away. i dont think they realise how much i love them and how much im determined to become the person they fell inlove with. i miss that person. i miss how care free i was, how easy everything was, how easy we were. before the lies, and before the hurt, before things got meg fucked up. and yet all thats going round in my head is the memories of the good times, and bit by bit, more and more of them are coming back. her dancing around the fire at the yard as we started to strip it and decorate it for bailey, or the time holly came to stay and we decided to play just dance, with holly's crazy dancing that we video'd. but most of all, i remember the closeness. the nights we spent cuddled up, the nights i cried to her and she just held me and wiped way my tears, that was a time when i felt safe. i remember the intense sex we had, the passion, the love. how we worshipped each others bodies, kissed each others skin, tasted each other, the passion and love we saw in one anothers eyes as we made love. to us, it wasnt sex, sex is just a fuck, it was making love.

we had all these plans, about how i was going to have a water birth, how she was going to cut the chord and be the first one to gaze into our babies eyes and see our family coming together. we planned that she was going to make me pregnant, she was going to be the one to do it. how we couldnt wait to go to that beautiful little church down in porlock, and say our vows to one another. me in my lacy sleeved dress, her in her white suit. the way we looked at each other, the way she welled up as i walked down the aisle. the moment we had that slow intense first kiss as a married couple.

these memories and thoughts are hard, because right now, thats all they are, memories, and for the first time, i cant control whether thats all they are going to be or not, or whether theyre going to become a reality. i know that right now, we both need space, because there is so much hurt and upset. we need time to get past that, to fix ourselves. maybe as we start to meet up again, we can learn to build it up again, i dont know. i dont know what she wants right now, but i cant push for that. so im going to sit and wait, wait for her to contact me, wait for her to tell me she loves me. until that point, i'll march on, soldier on, hoping that one day my baby shall return, and realise that i love and miss her dearly. i just hope she doesnt forget what was and what was meant to be. what we had was incredible, we are perfectly matched, something thats rare and beautiful. you dont often find someone who completes you the way we complete each other, i just hope that in time, she too comes to realise this, comes to realise that she needs me as much as i need her. together we can do anything. after all "we may not have it all together, but together we have it all".