feeling very lost

so right now im feeling very confused, i think you love me, but if you love me, why are you putting me through this? why are you causing me this pain and watching it happen? i couldnt sleep last night without you, i kept having bad dreams every time i tried to sleep, and then my guy would appear at the end of the bed, just watching me, haunting me. he's back. when you were here, he rarely appeared, i felt safe, now wherever i look, he's there.

what if you dont love me anymore? what wasnt good enough? i try to be everything people want me to be and try to please people, but i guess i fucked up on that front. you made me feel so so special and loved, and now, you are hardly talking to me. it confuses me, im almost scared to tell you i love you, incase you dont love me anymore, incase you dont come back. i feel sick with the worry. you promised you wouldn't leave, that youd always be there because you were different to the others, yet you've left aswell. i thought we had something amazing together, that nothing would ever tear us apart, you are my world baby, and i feel so empty and lost without you. i don't think i can do this without you, i really cant. i need you, more than you realise. im so so scared, i just want you to scoop me up in your arms and hold me, tell me its all going to be ok, that you still love me and want me, that this whole moving away was a huge mistake and that you need me as much as i need you. but what if you don't? what if your life is a lot easier without me, that i was a burden.

when i first met you i feel for you immediately, and the last year has been incredible. so why am i hurting so much now? i feel like ive lost you for forever. my heart feels in a million pieces, i feel alone, unsafe, unloved. i just want you back. i need you to hold me and cuddle me in our special way, where we intwine our legs and arms and just hold each other close. i want you to stroke my hair and look in my eyes like you do, and tell me its all going to be ok, that you love me and miss me as much as im missing you.

you never realise what you have until its gone, and ive never completely understood that, but now i do. my world is falling apart, im falling apart. i need you, and i dont think you realise that. im scared that i'll sort my life out, and even when i do, you still wont want me. i need you to be here to hold me, i need you. i need you...

oh baby, i dont think you realise how much this is destroying me, ive not slept and i keep crying. all i want to do is get on a train and rush to see you. but i know thats not what you want, you need space. but the pain we're both feeling, is it really worth it? its harder to be without you, than deal with the arguments. what if you dont love me anymore, what if you dont need me? im so so scared helen :'(