ohhhh and another quick thing, saw ellie on saturday. sitting in your ex's room is a strange experince, especially when it used to be your safe place....but anyhow, that was pretty epic. it was nice to just chat, have a catchup and a laugh, i mean it was the first time we'd seen each other without anyone else there since we broke up, so we finally had chance to chat. and ofcourse, i had cuddles with archies, to which he proceeded to curl up in my lap, purr loudly and fall asleep. we did however, get very very lost driving around london, lesson learnt, dont drive from the o2 to richmond and then try to find your way back again without any sat nav or maps, it doesnt work\! oh and i got a new tee that says 'im not a slut i just love love' snm. so yeah, epic saturday night with miss gavin, and she'll hopefully be coming up to swindon soon, hurrah! :D

things that shouldnt hurt to hear, cut like a knife. one simple statement sends me from feeling amazing to tearing up because it hurts. and its then that i realise im still hurting underneath it all, ive just blocked it out. blerghh :(

so in other news....well i have a tattooing apprenticeship with an epic guy named marco who keeps calling me his 'new legacy', hes perfectly charming though, i actually think him and i might end up being good friends, his work environment isnt that of work, he says its family. you are all a tight nit family in there, you're honest with each other, loving, supportive and you all have each others backs. he said to me 'welcome to the family' then gave me a massive hug, so im feeling pretty stoked about starting!

what other shits been on my mind, well physically im doing pretty well, ive gained some weight so im no longer a dinosaur, im toning up and generally looking pretty well, im also eating properly. i now have dreds in my hair, with beads and shit, very jack sparrow like. but ive also noticed how ive become slightly more femanine again, less of the lesbian look, which is interesting, i guess times are changing and im changing...anyhow, erm what else? alls good with friends etc, soph is soph, callum is callum, jake is jake, just the little group of misfits that we are, but its nice, theyre my best friends and i feel completely accepted by them, i mean soph, her and i had a bust up saturday, a big one, and by sunday morning we were both on the phone apologising, i guess its then that you know someones your best friend...or atleast one of them. family shit is crap, as per, but hey ho, life goes on. rocky is epic as ever, my little man, the most dim witted, clueless and dopey pooch going, but also the most cuddly and loveable. saying that though, he's becoming pretty epic at fetch, so i suppose hes not entirely dim, just selective hearing....much like another pooch i know, mentioning no nmes *cough...cody!*, little ginger monster! watching him and his brother together is hillarious though, i could honestly sit and watch them play all day.

all in all i think thats about it really, i mean life is neither here nor there, but slowly working out of the mess and getting organised....somewhat. anyways, its late, im tired, ive got too much going on in my head. think its time for a bit of family guy or south park to zone out to.

ciao x

its like watching it all over again, watching it all fall apart. this evening has been hell... and its when this sort of stuff happens you realise who really cares and who doesnt. i mean, people who are meant to be your best friends, dont seem to give a shit, and other people just dont seem to get in contact at all. however there is one person whos been there so so much over the past couple of days, who sat there are listened patiently, put up with me crying down the phone to them and advised me and supported me through everything. that person is the person whos somehow managed to make sense of it all and be the listener i needed. the person whos sat with me until stupid am until ive fallen asleep, just to make sure all was ok, and who has been texting me every morning, just to make sure everything is ok. that to me, is a true friend, they're the person who wont ever let you down or turn the other cheek, and for them reading this, from the bottom of my heart, thankyou. lets hope tomorrow's a brighter day hey? <3

funds in the jar so far- £27 (lets hope i can raise more today!)

wow, so its been 12 days since ive last posted, theres a hell of a lot i want to say about life right now, but i sometimes think its better just to keep stuff to yourself than going on a massive rant over the internet. thats the weird things thats happening at the moment, im so used to saying what i feel, showing people how i feel, and suddenly im hardly telling anyone whats up or whats going on, not in a bad way, just in a kind of, no one else needs to hear my shit kind of way? i dunno, i guess because i know that no amount of opening up will sort it all out, this is more of a 'wait patiently and give it time' type thing, and ofcourse being proactive. on a different note, minehead was amazing,  as well as all the fun stuff thats been going on the past couple of weeks, but i will write about that all this evening. its now 07:10am and ive been up since half 6, dad woke me with a cuppa tea in bed, so that was rather lovely. holly and I are off to do a carboot today, not sure if im looking forward to it or dreading it, the weathers crap! either way, welcome to the new 'conservative' freya :/ its so bad its to the point where i folded all of my clothes when i took them off last night and laid out everything i needed for today...im never this organised or tidy! ah well, gonna try grab another half hours sleep.

ciao everyone
x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HELEN, 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

 happy 20th birthday bub, sorry there is no rainbow cake this year :( so i figured i'd give you rainbow writing instead haha! :) 

miss you x

my phone comes up with a text and my heart races, then i realise its not from you and i sink again....

the other thing i hate, is how restricted i feel about what i write on here now because apparently certain people are reading it. i want to rant, to explode, clear my head. i feel like its getting to the point where there is no point in me having a blog because its like its all censored. truth be told, i dont give a shit who reads it, or what they think, but hey, gotta keep people happy i guess.

theres nothing big about making others feel small :/ 

im sorry i fuck up
im sorry im not perfect
im sorry you hate me
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry i fuck up your life
im sorry i make you angry
im sorry for not being what you want me to be
im sorry for trying when its not what you want
im sorry for letting you down
im sorry i cause so much crap in your life
im sorry im not beautiful or busty or have the perfect body
im sorry i care more than you care for me
im sorry for every mistake i have ever made
im sorry for how much of an impact i had on your life
im sorry for thinking you cared
im sorry for caring too much
im sorry for still loving you when you dont love me
im sorry for everything i have ever done in your life, things would be different if i hadnt of been there.

i dont even know what to say right now, i feel kinda numb, i guess no matter what, with me around, your life will always be full of fuckups because im never going to be good enough for you, i knew that from the start, that i wasnt worthy or deserving of you, and maybe i was a fool for thinking you'd even think of me or that you'd want my support. but please understand, that thats all i ever wanted, was to support you.

just another fuck-up 

"It's not courage, its a belief in yourself, that you're doing something that you know you've got to do '

give me carnage

suddenly gone very angry, and i dont know why. suddenly im crying and wanting to scream at everyone. im meant to be tidying right now, but I seriously needed to blog to vent. i mean, lifes not shit or anything, the scenarios pretty crap but whatever you know? but trying to contain this anger is horrible, when i get like this i want to tell everyone to fuck off, to push them away, and be angry at the world, and no amount of enya is chilling me out right now. this so rarely happens, and it normally last 5 mins and then its over. im never angry, but i think having all the shit to deal with atm, family members dying,moving out, social, jobs, mum being aggressive, its all just getting a little too much, and then certain things are just the icing on the cake.  what i want right now is a sub or rough sex, something to get rid of all this pent up energy, because its unbearable, i need something that i can be angry with, rough sex, it means i can be as rough as i like, but take all my frustration out, and it be amazing. shove me up against the wall, shred my clothes, bite me, scratch me, restrain me, make me fight you, try and tame me, i want the fight, i want to fight you as you try to pin me, i want to be sweating and breathing heavily, in shark mode and there be a fight for dominance, for me to try and get you off me as i fight underneath you, only for you to re-pin me. destroy me and dominate me, then hold me afterwards as i lay trembling and sleepy in your arms. i dont do vanilla, and what i want right now is far from vanilla, i want carnage.

“I don’t know what circumstances occurred in your life for you to build such a strong brick wall around your heart, but I do intend to tear it down." ~Cole” 

“He made me feel unhinged . . . like he could take me apart and put me back together again and again.” 
― Chelsie Shakespeare

“I don't care," said Seth. "I would have done it. I would have sold my soul for you. You and me...I told you. Something's always going to keep us near each other...even if we aren't together.” 
― Richelle Mead, Succubus Heat

If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. And if they don’t, they never were.
~Kahlil Gibran

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise.
~Richard Bach

ok so first things first, an ad for bristol aquarium just came on tv, take me please?! anyhow, so yeah, im not really sure what to write tonight or what to say. ive spent the evening watching videos, making notes for when i write some more of the book, the little memories that keep being triggered. ive also seen soph and callum tonight, so that was pretty nice. theres so much i feel i need to write, but those thoughts arent really ones i wish to share with everyone who reads this. ive been so relaxed and happy the last few days, ive slept well,  falling asleep feeling contented and safe. thats something i havent felt for a while, falling asleep and being excited to go to sleep, excited to wake up. its not 23:43 and im shattered. as for lorna, im not sure how im feeling about everything, ive been pretty standofish with her the past couple of days, lotta stuff on my mind, i dont mean to be, i just cant exactly explain it all to her. right now i dont know how im feeling about going to ireland, or if i want to go or not.  blerghhhh, sleep time.

ciao and sleep well
xxx

so its now, 20 to 5 in the morning, well im deffo not gonna be up early! on a different note, i dont mind being up this late, not when im sat chatting to her and Reece. im actually dead excited to meet him aswell when i go over, theyre such a chilled out group, hello 2 weeks of being a hippy :D but no, she was pretty down tonight, people saying stuff that wasnt needed, however all has ended well and shes back laughing away so happy days, although im still not impressed with this distance! the funny thing is, when it comes to her, the distance doesnt bother me, i thought it would, but if anything, i just think its kinda cool to think i could be flying over to ireland once and month and then her coming here, its like constantly going on holiday! (seeing as how much i like going on the plane!). i dunno, its hard. theres this part of me that so desperately holds onto the past, to what was, and wants it back. but theres also this part of me, thats excited for whats to come with her, to see how things turn out. and its funny, because i thought id never feel like this again, that i wouldnt start falling for someone or liking someone, yet here i am...its genuinely terrifying, but que sera sera. and its not that im forgetting you or that i dont love you, because i love you and miss you more than you'll ever realise, but i think its acceptance of the fact that just because i love and miss something, doesnt mean its coming back, and that how i feel isnt reciprocated, and i think im at a point now where im kinda ok with that, atleast since shes come along....and i dont sit and write this to hurt you or to get at you, but this is my blog of my feelings about my life, and i guess in a sense, its kinda important i write about her, because i dont want to forget, these past 4 or 5 months, or however long its been, nearing on 5 now i think? well theyve been hell, absolute hell, and i guess this is part of the story, part of the process. its strange though, i dont feel afraid to tell her anything, ive completely opened up to her, told her everything about my past, and all shes done is support and accept.

its a different kinda relationship to you and i though, her and i, its a very spiritual, hippy, loving life type thing, and go with the flow, i guess me all over? but theres not that career orientation, or plan, or i guess in a sense the heaviness that you and i had. and i dont mean heaviness in a bad way, i just think because you and i, we were a power couple through and through, out to make a statement, to shock the world, to create this big, extravagant future filled with joy and laughter, careers, mortgages, kids, marriage, the works really, but in a very old english style way, you were my protector, my best friend, and the person i looked up to, it was a very serious relationship with high hopes and big dreams. and i guess her and i, well it hasnt got that heaviness yet. i mean, we've discussed what we want in the future, and its the exact same, but its like we're kinda on the same level. there no masculine figure between us, its a far more softer, gentle relationship, very very hippy like, bringing peace to the world and all that. i think thats the only way i can describe it, is a hippy relationship. i dunno, i wonder if im going to miss that? having that dominant, someone who i could curl up against when i was scared, i mean i could do that with her, but i dunno, its different, when i was with you, i felt like nothing could ever hurt me. and i guess with her and i, its like we're strong together, but we are also very independent people. its all so confusing in my head atm, and my heart feels torn. one part goesL dont walk away, dont give up hope. the other half goes: freya you'd be stupid to walk away from lorna, shes everything you want and more, its new and exciting. 

i think more than anything, it hurt to look at her and feel that rush and the butterflies, and be reminded that thats how i felt about you, but it was also comforting to know that i could feel that way about someone else, and that maybe i shouldnt give up all hope on relationships, maybe she'll be the fixing of me? i mean thats a hard thing, knowing that you fixed me when you met me, pulled me out of a dark place and made my life beautiful, but when you left, you plummeted me right back to square one, and i guess in a way, it just felt like id been given this amazing view on life, to have it snatched away. and i guess in a sense im worried about that with her, maybe thats why im not allowing myself to fall too quick, because i dont want to get too emotionally involved incase it all fucks up again. i couldnt go through what i went through with you again when you left, it was soul shattering. i mean we spoke tonight though, and discussed the whole heartbreak thing, and both agreed that neither of us wanted to break or hurt the other, so thats a positive. 

other creepy thing, on the ever growing list of similarities between us. last night we were talking and she goes, *insert irish accent* 'so when i have kids, i have 2 names i like...but theyre a bit quirky and a bit unusual"  me "go on...." her"ok, so if its a girl, i like skylar.....and for a boy, i quite like darcey' *insert stunned silence here*. i didnt quite know what to make of it, i mean, i hadnt even mentioned anything to her about names, and she doesnt have access to my blog, and yet, she has the exact same names. creepy stuff o.O rahhhh i just dont know how to feel right now, i feel like im completely torn, like in pocahontas where she has to decide which side of the river to follow, thats me. which route do i take? and its not like its my head and my heart fighting now, its my heart and my heart, and thats the worst part.