just a fucking fantasy

the fucked up thing is, is that i know you are still reading my blog, so imma lay it all down. kc and i have been talking, shes falling inlove with me, and yet she knows exactly what im doing, because she did the same before. this isnt about me falling inlove, i dont think i'll fall inlove with her, i love her, but im not inlove. there isnt that instant spark, its being with someone because you can be and because you know that you can love them and they can love you. but shes done this before, when her and her ex fiance broke up, she was with another girl for 10 months, because she could be, but she wasnt inlove with her because she still loved vicki. thats me right now, im with her and i love her, but i cant fall inlove with her i dont think. im still inlove with you, and i guess thid is where the term 're-bound' comes from, being with someone else because you can and because they will love you, but they also help you to move on. im hoping that by being with her, i will slowly move on and fall out of love, if thats even possible? the funny thing is, all i keep thinking about is how much i miss you, miss your family, miss the fact that we were so accepted by each other and our families. do you ever miss that? do you miss my family? do you miss me? i met kc's mum last night, wsnt a family environment at all, shes really terrible to kc, hits her, swears at her and lays into her for everything, even down to being a lesbian. she also laid into me because i wasnt vicki. anyone else seeing disaster? my mums really accepted kc and has welcome her with open arms, but its not you, and mum misses you more than you will ever realise. kc and i have a good thing going, its romantic, its loving, its everything, so why am i not falling for her? why am i not falling for her like she is for me? no matter what i do, things remind me of you, and she picks up on it, and i know it hurts her. she knows i still love you and she sees you as a threat, she thinks youre going to take me away, but i keep trying to tell her that you dont love me anymore, that you dont want me. she knows im still sat waiting, she figured that out, but she also knows how much thats destroying me because its like 'wishing for rain as i stand in this desert' but as the song also say 'but im holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven'. the other thing thats come out for this is the thirst for blood. kc is like a vampire, she loves the blood, and i was cool with her wanting my blood, i mean why not, you only live once, and im always up for trying anything once. but now, the cuts on my wrists are looking pretty severe, and its not that shes forcing me to do it, i chose to do it for her, but i wonder what you would think if you saw it? part of me wants you to come and save me, to be that knight in shining armour who comes and looks after me and steals me away, whisks me off down to porlock, but that wont happen will it. im scared helen, im scared because shes amazing, but im going to end up breaking her heart and hurting her. there is the flip side of it though, where i think, ,if you never came back, then i could be with her and frow old with her, i could hold it all together. but the day i realise youve moved in with someone else, or have proposed to someone else, thats the day my world will come crashing down, thats when i'll end up being on a course to self destruct because i'll have realised that you really didnt want me. i think that there is always part of me thats going to live in that little fantasy, that one day you'll sweep me off my feet again, tell me youre sorry, that we're just crazy fools who made a huge mistake in leaving each other. but thats all it is. a fucking fantasy.