Monday, 28 January 2013
just a fucking fantasy
the fucked up thing is, is that i know you are still reading my blog, so imma lay it all down. kc and i have been talking, shes falling inlove with me, and yet she knows exactly what im doing, because she did the same before. this isnt about me falling inlove, i dont think i'll fall inlove with her, i love her, but im not inlove. there isnt that instant spark, its being with someone because you can be and because you know that you can love them and they can love you. but shes done this before, when her and her ex fiance broke up, she was with another girl for 10 months, because she could be, but she wasnt inlove with her because she still loved vicki. thats me right now, im with her and i love her, but i cant fall inlove with her i dont think. im still inlove with you, and i guess thid is where the term 're-bound' comes from, being with someone else because you can and because they will love you, but they also help you to move on. im hoping that by being with her, i will slowly move on and fall out of love, if thats even possible? the funny thing is, all i keep thinking about is how much i miss you, miss your family, miss the fact that we were so accepted by each other and our families. do you ever miss that? do you miss my family? do you miss me? i met kc's mum last night, wsnt a family environment at all, shes really terrible to kc, hits her, swears at her and lays into her for everything, even down to being a lesbian. she also laid into me because i wasnt vicki. anyone else seeing disaster? my mums really accepted kc and has welcome her with open arms, but its not you, and mum misses you more than you will ever realise. kc and i have a good thing going, its romantic, its loving, its everything, so why am i not falling for her? why am i not falling for her like she is for me? no matter what i do, things remind me of you, and she picks up on it, and i know it hurts her. she knows i still love you and she sees you as a threat, she thinks youre going to take me away, but i keep trying to tell her that you dont love me anymore, that you dont want me. she knows im still sat waiting, she figured that out, but she also knows how much thats destroying me because its like 'wishing for rain as i stand in this desert' but as the song also say 'but im holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven'. the other thing thats come out for this is the thirst for blood. kc is like a vampire, she loves the blood, and i was cool with her wanting my blood, i mean why not, you only live once, and im always up for trying anything once. but now, the cuts on my wrists are looking pretty severe, and its not that shes forcing me to do it, i chose to do it for her, but i wonder what you would think if you saw it? part of me wants you to come and save me, to be that knight in shining armour who comes and looks after me and steals me away, whisks me off down to porlock, but that wont happen will it. im scared helen, im scared because shes amazing, but im going to end up breaking her heart and hurting her. there is the flip side of it though, where i think, ,if you never came back, then i could be with her and frow old with her, i could hold it all together. but the day i realise youve moved in with someone else, or have proposed to someone else, thats the day my world will come crashing down, thats when i'll end up being on a course to self destruct because i'll have realised that you really didnt want me. i think that there is always part of me thats going to live in that little fantasy, that one day you'll sweep me off my feet again, tell me youre sorry, that we're just crazy fools who made a huge mistake in leaving each other. but thats all it is. a fucking fantasy.
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
You start out life as if it was a game, an adventure, investigating new things, exploring and learning. When you start to grow up life is indeed still a game, but a more serious one. One that challenges every skill to the max which we all have to take part in. Like a game you have the “good” people and the “bad people.”
However in this game there are NO second chances OR infinite lives, you get one chance, one shot. The decisions that you make therefore sculpt your whole life, effect everything you will ever be.
Some choose to switch off the console because they couldn’t handle the intensity of the game. Others choose to leave the console on standby and come back to it at different intervals in an attempt not to be suffocated by its tormenting demeanour.
Only the bravest choose to play until the end.
But this game has no compatible memory card or hard drive; you can’t start over or change your mind because really, subconsciously, your brain has already made a decision before you have fully thought about it.
The controller vibrates to warn us of danger, but still we are unaware of what lies ahead for us.
As we get older still, we decide what buttons we push no only influence us, but the world in which we are part of.
Then we get to the biggest of all the game’s troubles: Love. Love dishes out brutal beatings and breaks many leaving them scarred for life, but also has the power to give the protagonist a meaning to the word “life.”
Although, Love is like the boss we can never tame, never expect, never assume, for he works in mysterious ways. He comes running up at all the most unexpected times, especially if he sees someone he likes.
Then there is the allies, who guards your back, look after you and put every shred of their existence on the line to protect you. But we must not forget the enemies, the conniving little wankers that wouldn’t stop at murder to ruin your hope of the perfect high score.
You won’t find any walkthroughs or cheats in any books or the internet. You have to gain experience and learn, or face failure.
Life has its perks, like those little gold rings in Sonic or that new unlocked fighter in Tekken, although more bad is thrown at us to prepare us for the worst case scenario. “Heaven.” The reality is this game IS pure hell, with the suffering, hate, anger and war that is locked beneath its cover; slowly destroying itself until the CD self destructs. Another reality is that with out the suffering and anger, the world would be the most pointless game ever. Humans LIKE to make others suffer or to upset them to the point of no return, just so they can feel in control of their pathetic lives even for a moment.
So next time you turn on your Xbox 360 or your PS3, think yourself lucky that we ourselves are part of he most complicated, unorganised game ever to be heard of. Where the aim of this game is: to survive and complete, without having to restart as another character into this world of lies, deceit and betrayal. Once is bad enough. So my advice to you is to finish the game with full ranking on expert to begin with so there is no need to restart from birth.
However in this game there are NO second chances OR infinite lives, you get one chance, one shot. The decisions that you make therefore sculpt your whole life, effect everything you will ever be.
Some choose to switch off the console because they couldn’t handle the intensity of the game. Others choose to leave the console on standby and come back to it at different intervals in an attempt not to be suffocated by its tormenting demeanour.
Only the bravest choose to play until the end.
But this game has no compatible memory card or hard drive; you can’t start over or change your mind because really, subconsciously, your brain has already made a decision before you have fully thought about it.
The controller vibrates to warn us of danger, but still we are unaware of what lies ahead for us.
As we get older still, we decide what buttons we push no only influence us, but the world in which we are part of.
Then we get to the biggest of all the game’s troubles: Love. Love dishes out brutal beatings and breaks many leaving them scarred for life, but also has the power to give the protagonist a meaning to the word “life.”
Although, Love is like the boss we can never tame, never expect, never assume, for he works in mysterious ways. He comes running up at all the most unexpected times, especially if he sees someone he likes.
Then there is the allies, who guards your back, look after you and put every shred of their existence on the line to protect you. But we must not forget the enemies, the conniving little wankers that wouldn’t stop at murder to ruin your hope of the perfect high score.
You won’t find any walkthroughs or cheats in any books or the internet. You have to gain experience and learn, or face failure.
Life has its perks, like those little gold rings in Sonic or that new unlocked fighter in Tekken, although more bad is thrown at us to prepare us for the worst case scenario. “Heaven.” The reality is this game IS pure hell, with the suffering, hate, anger and war that is locked beneath its cover; slowly destroying itself until the CD self destructs. Another reality is that with out the suffering and anger, the world would be the most pointless game ever. Humans LIKE to make others suffer or to upset them to the point of no return, just so they can feel in control of their pathetic lives even for a moment.
So next time you turn on your Xbox 360 or your PS3, think yourself lucky that we ourselves are part of he most complicated, unorganised game ever to be heard of. Where the aim of this game is: to survive and complete, without having to restart as another character into this world of lies, deceit and betrayal. Once is bad enough. So my advice to you is to finish the game with full ranking on expert to begin with so there is no need to restart from birth.
I trace your body with my hand,
You are where my thoughts land.
Your razor sharp tongue I often feel,
My troubles you always seem to heal.
When things got rough you were there,
To make sure things turned out fair.
I trusted you to keep me safe,
In you I had total faith.
You bring out a different side of me,
One I never wish a soul to see.
As I let my emotions pour,
It makes me need you even more.
The smile I have on my face,
As my pulse starts to race.
I hold you in my hands with pride,
No one can say I haven’t tried.
You broke my trust the day you lied,
That is when our friendship died.
You’re no longer a part of my life,
You useless, stupid, pathetic knife
- by rex
You are where my thoughts land.
Your razor sharp tongue I often feel,
My troubles you always seem to heal.
When things got rough you were there,
To make sure things turned out fair.
I trusted you to keep me safe,
In you I had total faith.
You bring out a different side of me,
One I never wish a soul to see.
As I let my emotions pour,
It makes me need you even more.
The smile I have on my face,
As my pulse starts to race.
I hold you in my hands with pride,
No one can say I haven’t tried.
You broke my trust the day you lied,
That is when our friendship died.
You’re no longer a part of my life,
You useless, stupid, pathetic knife
- by rex
I think--I think when it's all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It's not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don't know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It's not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don't know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.
kc's words
so tonight kc sent me this, and it rendered me speechless.
"I felt like I was drowning. I’ve always felt like it. From the start I always knew it was going to be hard but never this hard. This was excruciating. I knew I could swim but I couldn’t find the energy to kick my legs or move my arms. I just wanted to sink right down to the depths of the sea and remove myself from existence. There was only one thing that had the power to pull me up from the depths of despair and make the thought of surviving worthwhile. Her. She walked into my life when I needed someone the most. She listened to my incessant ramblings and reminded me that she thought I was perfect. Now perfect is a strong word and it seemed all too perfect. Because she is to me.
She’s on my mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When something seems so overpowering that it renders my limbs useless, she prevents me from drowning. She holds my head up high and keeps me breathing. She makes me want to survive just to see her beautiful smile and her amazing eyes. I could spend all day just losing myself in her eyes. When she stares back at me I can see everything I’ve always wanted: the pug, the wedding, the kids and it seems effortless with her. It all just feels right.
She’s my fairy princess and I like to think I’m her knight in shining armour but sometimes I really am just an impersonator. A dickhead in tin foil. I try and treat her like the only girl in the world let alone the most beautiful because I love giving her attention and reminding her that I am in it for the long haul. It’s weird because I’d die for her and I’d do anything that makes her happy yet it’s barely been a week.
That day I felt like I’d thrown up all of my internal organs and set them alight one by one and watched them burn to ashes. I felt it creep over my body like a slow poison and fill every fibre. The pain was intense but reminded me I could still feel. That I was still alive. I’d never felt more human. As my body convulsed uncontrollably I felt like I was going to slip into unconsciousness. But then I thought of waking up next to her and holding her in my arms and I fought it. I fought beyond all measures to stay alive just to be with her again. I could feel my lungs collapsing, my heart racing and my mind wandering. The worst part is that she was watching it and had no idea what was happening.
Then the blood lust came… The intense urge to rip myself open and cover myself in my own blood. To see the red river shoot out of me as my pathetic heart beats. I had a knife, I easily could have plunged it into my vampire heart but I knew that there was something I wanted more. More than anything else in the world. I wanted to feel her skin on mine, her lips touch mine, her body relax in my arms again. So I resisted.
My dreams were weaved into illogical nightmares and I remember them vividly. I woke up and I felt normal again. I always think of her first in the morning and I smiled ready for a new day. Then I burst into tears. " <3
"I felt like I was drowning. I’ve always felt like it. From the start I always knew it was going to be hard but never this hard. This was excruciating. I knew I could swim but I couldn’t find the energy to kick my legs or move my arms. I just wanted to sink right down to the depths of the sea and remove myself from existence. There was only one thing that had the power to pull me up from the depths of despair and make the thought of surviving worthwhile. Her. She walked into my life when I needed someone the most. She listened to my incessant ramblings and reminded me that she thought I was perfect. Now perfect is a strong word and it seemed all too perfect. Because she is to me.
She’s on my mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. When something seems so overpowering that it renders my limbs useless, she prevents me from drowning. She holds my head up high and keeps me breathing. She makes me want to survive just to see her beautiful smile and her amazing eyes. I could spend all day just losing myself in her eyes. When she stares back at me I can see everything I’ve always wanted: the pug, the wedding, the kids and it seems effortless with her. It all just feels right.
She’s my fairy princess and I like to think I’m her knight in shining armour but sometimes I really am just an impersonator. A dickhead in tin foil. I try and treat her like the only girl in the world let alone the most beautiful because I love giving her attention and reminding her that I am in it for the long haul. It’s weird because I’d die for her and I’d do anything that makes her happy yet it’s barely been a week.
That day I felt like I’d thrown up all of my internal organs and set them alight one by one and watched them burn to ashes. I felt it creep over my body like a slow poison and fill every fibre. The pain was intense but reminded me I could still feel. That I was still alive. I’d never felt more human. As my body convulsed uncontrollably I felt like I was going to slip into unconsciousness. But then I thought of waking up next to her and holding her in my arms and I fought it. I fought beyond all measures to stay alive just to be with her again. I could feel my lungs collapsing, my heart racing and my mind wandering. The worst part is that she was watching it and had no idea what was happening.
Then the blood lust came… The intense urge to rip myself open and cover myself in my own blood. To see the red river shoot out of me as my pathetic heart beats. I had a knife, I easily could have plunged it into my vampire heart but I knew that there was something I wanted more. More than anything else in the world. I wanted to feel her skin on mine, her lips touch mine, her body relax in my arms again. So I resisted.
My dreams were weaved into illogical nightmares and I remember them vividly. I woke up and I felt normal again. I always think of her first in the morning and I smiled ready for a new day. Then I burst into tears. " <3
Sunday, 20 January 2013
its taken 10 weeks for me to 'move on', but now i have, im scared how much ive hurt you, im scared your hurting. part of me will always live in the past, with you, with us, with our family, but you moved on, started a new family, a new dream, and i had to accept that and move on, no matter how much it hurt. kc is good for me, she looks after me and makes me feel safe and happy, i wish youd just of fought for me when you had chance to .
Sunday, 13 January 2013
my dearest helen,
so this really is my last letter to you, as i cant go on anymore and i cant do this anymore. speaking to you tonight showed me a lot, it showed me that cody was never really ours, he was always yours. its shown me that you really couldnt give a shit, and its shown me how very little i mean to you. ive got to get away from it all, make a clean break and forget. i know you probably wont read this, but if anything does happen to me tonight, im hoping your initiative will tell you to check on here and read through, if not, well then its a letter unheard. i cant go on like this anymore, i thought you understood how much bear meant to me, but evidently not. hes 'your boy', he always was. enjoy your life, im no longer in it, or in anyones for that matter. and yeah, if something does happen tonight, youre partly to blame. you destroyed me helen, you took away everything good in me and left me with nothing. congratulations.
so this really is my last letter to you, as i cant go on anymore and i cant do this anymore. speaking to you tonight showed me a lot, it showed me that cody was never really ours, he was always yours. its shown me that you really couldnt give a shit, and its shown me how very little i mean to you. ive got to get away from it all, make a clean break and forget. i know you probably wont read this, but if anything does happen to me tonight, im hoping your initiative will tell you to check on here and read through, if not, well then its a letter unheard. i cant go on like this anymore, i thought you understood how much bear meant to me, but evidently not. hes 'your boy', he always was. enjoy your life, im no longer in it, or in anyones for that matter. and yeah, if something does happen tonight, youre partly to blame. you destroyed me helen, you took away everything good in me and left me with nothing. congratulations.
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
you know its funny, i write this like you're reading it, like im talking to you, but i know im not, and i know you dont read this. but i suppose its the one place where i feel i can write exactly how im feeling and write all the things i want to say to you, without having to overwhelm you. i guess its a bit of a release. the notebooks on, i think im going to end up crying by the end of it. :(
so i was feeling really positive yesterday and this morning, we were getting on like a house on fire and it felt like the old us. and then this afternoon, you havent contacted me, despite me texting you, and to be honest, its brought me crashing down. i worry that yesterday was just a split second thing, a glimpse at what was and what could have been, and then it all goes away again. i dont want it to be like that, i want us back, so so much. i felt so safe and happy these past few days, you dont even understand, and when i looked at you, i saw the love in your eyes again, that look ive been craving and missing so desperately. and then this afternoon, nothing. dont do this to me, dont tear me apart and build up my hopes. im so inlove with you, you dont even realise, and id like to think that you were still inlove with me, im sure you are, but youre scared. and im scared. so how do we fight this? can we pull through it? dont cut me out, dont break me down, dont hurt me all over again just when i started to feel safe again. i love you helen, and the past 2 days have been the most amazing times, the best ive felt since you left, because momentarily i had you back, momentarily it was like you never left, like we never fell apart. and now you aren't talking to me, im falling apart again, feeling low, and all i want to do is clamber into bed and cry. i dont know if i can do this, i dont know if i can hurt again and get my hopes up only to come crashing down. i dont want to crash again, i dont want to fall apart and go through it all again. i either want all of you or none of you, i know i have to do it on your terms in your time, but we've been talking constantly and now nothing. i feel so confused again. i miss you, i miss my bubba g, i miss us. yesterday when i looked in your eyes, i saw the love, the way you used to look at me, the way we play fought and laughed and danced and sang, it was us again. i miss you, i miss us, i miss what was. i miss you loving me, i miss loving you :(
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