feeling very nervous and sick today and i dont know why. i dont know if its because im waiting for you to get in contact and worried that youre not bothered anymore or what, or if its because ive got a hell of a lot of college work to do. im not really sure, all i know is that id much rather just get back in bed today, curl up and go to sleep. i want to cry, today is going to be one of those days. i want to forget all about it.

i have a lot going round in my head, i regret what i said the other night, because now im feeling more lost than ever, but im also so hurt by what you've done. you said you would try and come to my birthday, but you've deliberately arranged to go to brighton on my birthday, what are you even doing in brighton?! and the funny thing is, im so angry, hurt and upset by you, and im allowing you destroy me, but i cant walk away, i love you too much to do so. thats whats hurting most about this. i dont know how youre feeling, what youre thinking or what exactly it is you want me to do. ive stuck by my promises, im waiting for you, i havent smoked weed and im back at college, im doing everything right, im doing everything you asked, but still im getting no-where. help? :'(

my dearest helen...

my dearest helen, 

                            this is perhaps one of the hardest things to write, as i know it will probably be my last letter to you. im sat crying as i write this, but i know it needs to be done, i know i need to let go. im not bitter anymore, for you have shown me what love was and gave me an amazing year of my life, one that i shall never forget and one that shall cherish for the rest of my life. but i have a feeling this shall be the last time i love, for i could not go through this pain again. you have my heart, and i think you always will, for there is no one i could ever see myself with except you. but if i cant be with you, i dont want to be with anyone. i think that there shall always be a very soft spot for you in my heart, one that will always long for what was, but i have come to realise that that is over. not because i want it to be, but because that is what you have decided, and i know i must respect that.

i hope that you will hold a little piece of me in your heart, and take me wherever you go. i hope you find all you hope to in life and that one day you shall love again, thats what i want for you. i want you to fall in love again. do me a favour my baby, promise me you'll fall in love again? promise me you'll have the family you dreamed of, and promise me you'll value every day with them. take me with you, even if its just a small piece of you. and please understand that i shall never forget you, nor shall i ever stop loving you. this isn't something that i want to do, its something i have to do, because i cannot hurt anymore. 

im sat here laughing and crying at the same time, laughing because im remembering all the good times, but crying because i know its the end. ive held on for the past few weeks to the hope that you would come back, that some part of you would remember what was and come back. but that hasnt happened, and i understand now that i wasnt enough or couldnt give you something that you needed. 

i have so many fond memories, the day i met you and couldn't wait to see you again, telling you you wouldnt remember my name. the countless places we drove to, the amazing car journeys as we sang along to our favourite songs.  the night you proposed to me in amy's bedroom, getting down on one knee and me being completely in shock but so overwhelmed. that was one of the happiest memories and moments of my life. our first christmas together, our first flat together, buying cody and him becoming our child. i could list memories all day, and its stupid little things that stick in my head. like the night we spent in the hotel and got to be close properly for the first time, having orange juice in the morning and wondering what the other guests would think after we had had rather noisy sex haha! dont forget my darling, if you cannot promise me anything else, just promise me you won't forget the good times. take care of bear, give him lots of cuddles for him and take good care of him as he grows up. im going to miss you both so so much and i love you both unconditionally. he needs his mum now, so please take good care of him and make sure he doesnt eat too many pairs of underwear! 

i wont forget our dreams of the future, how we planned to have our farm, our children, our wedding. we had everything planned, do you remember? how i wanted a water birth, how i wanted you to be the first person to hold our baby, to cut the cord and how you were going to be the one to make me pregnant. yes, they are very special memories indeed. i dont think you realise how much it hurts me to do this, and i dont think you'll realise for a long time. but i know i have to let go, because ive lost hope, those fantasies of the future are slowly slipping away.

i guess theres not a lot more that i can say really, i really do wish you happiness, love and contentment. im so sorry for everything and i know that atleast now you can be free. i love you my darling, with every inch of my heart and soul. im going to miss you and our little man more than one can ever describe. 

take care, i'll be seeing you

freya

xxx

maybe the last post...

really cannot be fucked with this anymore, ive chased you and chased you, and still im getting nothing back. and do you know what? im tired of it now, im tired of remembering what was and what i hoped would be, because evidently its not going to be like that. I've poured my heart out to you and shown you exactly how i feel, and you give me nothing back. thats not how break up's work, surely if you wanted me you would have made the effort by now. i was a fool to think you'd come back, but its you who is the fool for thinking im going to carry on chasing you. evidently what we had wasnt that important to you, otherwise youd be fighting for it as much as i am.but you're not are you? you give me shit and have put me through hell these past few weeks. well enough is enough, i cant chase you anymore. its your turn, if you ever decide that you actually want to make the effort. but its not going to be easy for you, because youve pushed me to a point now where i just want to give up. you can be so selfish at times, and youve had this easier than me because you were the one who chose to walk away. you left with your stuff, moved back home and didnt make an effort with me, and left with me the pieces to pick up, financially and emotionally. you didnt have to watch me walk away, because you chose to leave, so now you can watch me walk away. im sick of putting in the effort, im sick of crying every night, im sick of waiting every day for you to contact me, im sick of chasing you! if you wanted to make the effort you would have by now. im not a toy, im not there to be messed around with, im a real person, with real feelings and real emotions. but thankyou for the last few weeks, its taught me a lot. its taught me not to love, because loves a bitch. everyone says there different, YOU said you were different, you promised never to leave me, but youre exactly the same as the rest of them, you only want when it suits you. i love you a hell of a lot, but i refuse to hurt anymore or chase you because all its doing is giving you the satisfaction that im still there. you have yet to deal with the feeling of losing me, because youd had my attention the whole time. well enough is enough, if you care and actually want me, make the effort, because pretty soon its going to be too late. you know what, i already think it is too late. have a nice life, im sorry i made your life hell, but im not sorry for what was. because to me it was amazing. but im not sorry for walking away now, because im tired of fighting and holding onto someone who has made it very clear that they meant a lot more to me than i did to them. if i did mean a lot to you, then why are you doing this? why are you being stubborn and selfish? why are you watching me hurt? infact, dont answer that because i dont care anymore. i gave you a chance to show me you cared, and youve failed to do so, youve shown your true colours and shown how very little i actually mean to you. so i wish you well with your future and i hope you find everything you are looking for, i hope you find the right girl to have a family with, and i hope you are happy. i mean that with the upmost genuineness, i want you to be happy, and evidently thats not with me. if you decide you want me, you know where i am, but i wont make it easy for you, because youve made my life hell over the past few weeks, youve watched me hurt and fall apart, and just ignored it. like i said, im not a toy there for as and when it suits you, if you want me, then take me and show me you want me, but dont be how you have been. i cant do this anymore, i cant keep fighting for you. goodbye my love x

yes l love you and yes  i miss you, but you hurt me badly last night, to the point of tears.

  .  .  . its raining in my heart, even the heavens weep for you </3

As long as you love me

As long as you love me

As long as you love me

I'm under pressure, seven billion people in the world trying to fit in

Keep it together, smile on your face even though your heart is frowning

But hey now, don't know girl, we both know what to do

But I will take my chances...

As long as you love me, we could be starving,

We could be homeless, we could be broke

As long as you love me i'll be your platinum, i'll be your silver, i'll be your gold

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

I'll be your soldier, fighting every second of the day for the change girl

I'll be your Hova, you can be my Destiny's Child on a stinger

So don't stress, don't cry, oh we don't need no wings to fly

Just take my hand

As you love me we could be starving,

We could be homeless, we could be broke

As long as you love me i'll be your platinum, i'll be your silver, i'll be your gold

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

I don't know if this make sense

You're my hallelujah

Give me a time and place, i'll rendez-vous

I'll fly it to ya, i'll meet you there

Girl you know I got you

Us, trust, a couple things I can't spell without you

Now we on top of the world

Cause that's just how we do it

Used to tell me sky's the limit

Now the skies are point of view, view, view

Now we stepping out like woah

Cameras point at you, ask me what's best side

I'll stand back and point at you, you, you

The one that I argue with,

Feel like I need a new girl to be bothered with

But the grass ain't always greener on the other side

It's greener where the water is

So I know, know, we got issues baby, true true true

But I rather work on this with you

Then go ahead and start with someone new

As you love me we could be starving

We could be homeless, we could be broke

As long as you love me i'll be your platinum, i'll be your silver, i'll be your gold

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

As long as you lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-lo-love me

i have this little fantasy

i have this little fantasy,

a dream of such i suppose, 

that tonight you pull me to your body,

hold me tight and close.

i have this little fantasy,

i imagine all the time,

that for one more fleeting magical moment,

i could call you mine.

i have this little fantasy, 

that you come back to me,

whisper to me that you love me,

and that you belong with me.

i have this little fantasy,

we're back on porlock weir,

your cuddling me and loving me,

forgetting all my fear.

i have this little fantasy,

that we're walking down aisle,

im walking up to meet you,

grinning as you smile.

i have this little fantasy,

we're living on our farm,

darcey, skylar, ivy and carter,

we're walking arm in arm.

i have this little fantasy,

our grandchildren on your knee,

and your smiling at me, beaming,

as we're playing by the sea.

i have this little fantasy,

that we're old and grey and wise,

that we're cuddled up just like we used to,

the love thats in your eyes.

i have this little fantasy,

thats all it is to you, 

a fairytale, a fading hope,

of when it was me and you.