so tonight i went back on everything, i self harmed

my dearest helen,
so this really is my last letter to you, as i cant go on anymore and i cant do this anymore. speaking to you tonight showed me a lot, it showed me that cody was never really ours, he was always yours. its shown me that you really couldnt give a shit, and its shown me how very little i mean to you. ive got to get away from it all, make a clean break and forget. i know you probably wont read this, but if anything does happen to me tonight, im hoping your initiative will tell you to check on here and read through, if not, well then its a letter unheard. i cant go on like this anymore, i thought you understood how much bear meant to me, but evidently not. hes 'your boy', he always was. enjoy your life, im no longer in it, or in anyones for that matter. and yeah, if something does happen tonight, youre partly to blame. you destroyed me helen, you took away everything good in me and left me with nothing. congratulations.

so after rhians gone you text me, i get how this works, its a bloody nightmare, and its painful, but i get it now. oh how much you frustrate me and confuse me

you know its funny, i write this like you're reading it, like im talking to you, but i know im not, and i know you dont read this. but i suppose its the one place where i feel i can write exactly how im feeling and write all the things i want to say to you, without having to overwhelm you. i guess its a bit of a release. the notebooks on, i think im going to end up crying by the end of it. :(

crying, yet again.

so i was feeling really positive yesterday and this morning, we were getting on like a house on fire and it felt like the old us. and then this afternoon, you havent contacted me, despite me texting you, and to be honest, its brought me crashing down. i worry that yesterday was just a split second thing, a glimpse at what was and what could have been, and then it all goes away again. i dont want it to be like that, i want us back, so so much. i felt so safe and happy these past few days, you dont even understand, and when i looked at you, i saw the love in your eyes again, that look ive been craving and missing so desperately. and then this afternoon, nothing. dont do this to me, dont tear me apart and build up my hopes. im so inlove with you, you dont even realise, and id like to think that you were still inlove with me, im sure you are, but youre scared. and im scared. so how do we fight this? can we pull through it? dont cut me out, dont break me down, dont hurt me all over again just when i started to feel safe again. i love you helen, and the past 2 days have been the most amazing times, the best ive felt since you left, because momentarily i had you back, momentarily it was like you never left, like we never fell apart. and now you aren't talking to me, im falling apart again, feeling low, and all i want to do is clamber into bed and cry. i dont know if i can do this, i dont know if i can hurt again and get my hopes up only to come crashing down. i dont want to crash again, i dont want to fall apart and go through it all again. i either want all of you or none of you, i know i have to do it on your terms in your time, but we've been talking constantly and now nothing. i feel so confused again. i miss you, i miss my bubba g, i miss us. yesterday when i looked in your eyes, i saw the love, the way you used to look at me, the way we play fought and laughed and danced and sang, it was us again. i miss you, i miss us, i miss what was. i miss you loving me, i miss loving you :(

so im going to keep a blog of all the times i end up crying over you, so i can actually realise when it is that i end up in a mess. so i'll start now: 21:05, jan 6th, sunday. thought about you, missed you, missed us, missed what was. result: floods of tears