my phone comes up with a text and my heart races, then i realise its not from you and i sink again....

the other thing i hate, is how restricted i feel about what i write on here now because apparently certain people are reading it. i want to rant, to explode, clear my head. i feel like its getting to the point where there is no point in me having a blog because its like its all censored. truth be told, i dont give a shit who reads it, or what they think, but hey, gotta keep people happy i guess.

theres nothing big about making others feel small :/ 

im sorry i fuck up
im sorry im not perfect
im sorry you hate me
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry i fuck up your life
im sorry i make you angry
im sorry for not being what you want me to be
im sorry for trying when its not what you want
im sorry for letting you down
im sorry i cause so much crap in your life
im sorry im not beautiful or busty or have the perfect body
im sorry i care more than you care for me
im sorry for every mistake i have ever made
im sorry for how much of an impact i had on your life
im sorry for thinking you cared
im sorry for caring too much
im sorry for still loving you when you dont love me
im sorry for everything i have ever done in your life, things would be different if i hadnt of been there.

i dont even know what to say right now, i feel kinda numb, i guess no matter what, with me around, your life will always be full of fuckups because im never going to be good enough for you, i knew that from the start, that i wasnt worthy or deserving of you, and maybe i was a fool for thinking you'd even think of me or that you'd want my support. but please understand, that thats all i ever wanted, was to support you.

just another fuck-up 

"It's not courage, its a belief in yourself, that you're doing something that you know you've got to do '

give me carnage

suddenly gone very angry, and i dont know why. suddenly im crying and wanting to scream at everyone. im meant to be tidying right now, but I seriously needed to blog to vent. i mean, lifes not shit or anything, the scenarios pretty crap but whatever you know? but trying to contain this anger is horrible, when i get like this i want to tell everyone to fuck off, to push them away, and be angry at the world, and no amount of enya is chilling me out right now. this so rarely happens, and it normally last 5 mins and then its over. im never angry, but i think having all the shit to deal with atm, family members dying,moving out, social, jobs, mum being aggressive, its all just getting a little too much, and then certain things are just the icing on the cake.  what i want right now is a sub or rough sex, something to get rid of all this pent up energy, because its unbearable, i need something that i can be angry with, rough sex, it means i can be as rough as i like, but take all my frustration out, and it be amazing. shove me up against the wall, shred my clothes, bite me, scratch me, restrain me, make me fight you, try and tame me, i want the fight, i want to fight you as you try to pin me, i want to be sweating and breathing heavily, in shark mode and there be a fight for dominance, for me to try and get you off me as i fight underneath you, only for you to re-pin me. destroy me and dominate me, then hold me afterwards as i lay trembling and sleepy in your arms. i dont do vanilla, and what i want right now is far from vanilla, i want carnage.