so im writing our book, you know, like i promised. i hope to get it published, to get famous and make a load of money off it, then i can buy the farm we hoped for, and have my land, down by the sea. i hope to have it finished by your birthday, thats what i want to give you. i dont want you to forget, because i sure as hell can't.

still thinking about you, i dont think im capable of falling out of love with you or not loving you. i want you back, every day i long or you and hope for you to come and hold me. i long for our future, long for you i just want my girl back

today is christmas day, i spent half of my day crying over you, and the other half thinking about you...

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.' The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

'It's like you screaming, and no one can hear, you almost feel ashamed, that someone could be that important, that without them, you feel like nothing, no one will ever understand how much it hurts, you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you, and when it's over, and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good.'

I feel you slipping away each and every day, my own insecurities are my worst enemy. Whether you are drifting away from me or not, I'm pushing you away because of my own doubts in myself. I cannot even describe the pain or even imagining my life without you, nevermind actually feeling us becoming less and less close. I adore you with every single piece of my heart. I'm selfish, and I'd say I just want you to be happy whatever happens, but that wouldn't be telling the truth. I want to be the one to make you smile and laugh every single day, I want to be the one to wake up next to you each morning and the one who is able to be there for you. I want to be the one which you would show off to your friends. I'm lost without you baby. 

I love you.

how can you go from wanting to marry me and us being engaged, to you never wanting to talk to me again and completely forgetting me? because i havent forgotten you....

helen,

minutes are turning into hours, hours are turning into days, and days are turning into weeks. and yet i hardly notice. im like a living zombie. i wake up every morning and pull on some clothes, try and do my makeup and head off to college. im meant to concentrate when im there, but instead i spend most of my time sat in jo's office with a cup of tea, crying my eyes out and shaking. when i get home, i end up shut up in my bedroom just trying to write our story, or just sat int he corner, huddled up in a blanket crying. im struggling to eat again, i look tired, i look ill. people pay me attention, and yet i push them away, i dont want peoples attention, i dont want people to tell me to just move on. i just want to be on my own. every night i fall asleep and look forward to it, because i know i will have a dream about you and that you will be there, the old us, happy and so inlove. and then something happens and i black out, and all i know is that i wake up screaming, shaking and crying. when that happens i know that my dream was just a dream, and infact the reality of it all is that you are gone. i cant be without you. im a complete state. this isnt just love, this is being madly and truly in love. this isnt even being heartbroken anymore, this is my soul being destroyed. i feel nothing, i dont feel pain, i dont feel upset, i dont feel happy. nothing. just a blur. i drift a lot, try to forget, to try tell myself that i can do this alone. but i cant. i cant be without you, ive lost my soulamte, my missing puzzle piece. without you i am nothing. without me, you are everything. but im falling apart, i wish i could just run away and forget it all, have a new chance in life. but im stuck here, feeling like this and feeling like an empty box.

i miss you baby, so unbeleiveably much. i just feel lost. i feel alone. i feel forgotten. i feel incomplete. i feel unloved. i feel unwanted. i feel useless. i feel nothing but my soul drifting away. i dont dance anymore, i dont sing, i dont play guitar anymore and i hardly smile or laugh. when i do, its a fake smile or a fake laugh, just to try and convince others im ok. and when im with other people, i can manage it. but its when im alone, it really hits me.

i look forward to falling asleep because i know you'll be there waiting for me. i just wish you were there in real life. i cant go on without you, im nothing without you.

i miss you baby, and i love you more than life itself.
your freya xxx